Benign

The word every person wants to hear after hearing the word ‘biopsy’.

We leave for vacation with the kids tomorrow, I was so glad to get the call this morning alerting me to my results. Now I don’t have to worry about coming back to town for a doctor’s appointment mid-week.

I can go to the cottage. Relax. Eat. Drink. Kayak to my heart’s content without wondering or worrying.

I can breathe.

Let vacation begin!

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell?

While we were on vacation, there was an incident, and I’m not quite sure what to make of it.

I’ve been rolling it over in my mind for a few weeks now, wondering if I am making more of it than I should be. At the time I was hurt, and sad.

It happened on the Friday morning. Our second-to-last day of vacation, our last day at the cottage.

Mr. J had planned for us to go out for breakfast, just the two of us, before the children were awake. Just a short little break.

As usual I was up earlier than everyone else. I was outside on the deck with a cup of tea, reading and checking Facebook.

I noticed that someone I work with had shared a post from our organization. (For a little privacy, I don’t follow my organization. I don’t want them having the ability to see my stuff.)

The post was a photo of me, promoting one of our services. I had posed for it, and had seen it on a work email, but hadn’t seen it on any social media.

I go back to reading my book. About fifteen minutes later, The Daughter comes out to greet me. She asks if I have a Twitter account.

(Yes. This is random. But this is not unusual for her.)

I tell her that I do have a Twitter account, but I never really use it. I manage a Twitter account at work and so I use that for tweeting.

She then says, “mom was asking me if you had a Twitter account, that’s weird, right?”

She also said, “she’s always asking me weird questions about you”

Greaaaaaaat.

Then I asked her why mom was asking and she said, ‘mom said that she saw a photo of you” and then she showed me the message her mom had sent her (I am writing this from memory so it may not be exact):

“Does Anonymous have Twitter? There was a really nice photo of her posted at work. I also sent it to your dad.”

Okay. Let’s break this down, shall we?

Kudos for saying it was a really nice photo of me. It was. In a cutesy kind of way.

Also nice to ask if I had Twitter so I could see the Tweet for myself.

However…. if you are texting your Daughter, who is with me, to ask if I have Twitter… why not just send the Daughter the photo/tweet so that she could show it to me?

Instead she sent it to Mr. J.

So, a few minutes later, Mr. J walks outside. Dressed and ready to go for breakfast. I run inside while he chats with The Daughter, and get dressed. In ten minutes we are heading to the truck stop we like for breakfast.

After we are seated and are chatting, I couldn’t wait any longer. I bring up the fact that The Ex sent him a photo of me.

And I asked him about it. Because so far, he hadn’t said anything about it.

He kind of laughed and said that he wondered about that, and then told me he had planned on telling  me later that afternoon.

And this, my friends, is where it begins.

I don’t know if I am making too much of an issue of it or not.

Because I think that if I hadn’t mentioned to him what The Daughter told me, he would not have said anything about receiving the photo.

And that’s where I have worries. And doubts. It actually kept me awake almost all that Friday night – worrying about whether or not I could still trust him.

I couldn’t talk to him about it that day at all as we really weren’t alone. Nor the next day. And then the next passed, and the next… and other issues came into play, such as the fact that Mr. J did not tell the children that week about my moving in.

Part of the reason I couldn’t bring it up – and really haven’t yet – is because I wonder if I am overreacting.

I know that I can’t control what The Ex sends him in messages.

I also know that HE can’t control what she sends, either.

But I also know that Mr. J really hasn’t been himself for a long time. His focus is off, and sometimes he can’t really put what he wants to say into the right words.

So instead of doing the mature thing and talking to him about it, I spent that whole Friday night lying awake next to him in bed, crying, and wondering if I could still trust him.

I mean really – was it that big a deal? He knows that I sometimes get frustrated with the non-child-related messages she sends to him. He’s told me that he is very happy to have met me. And once, he told me I was the best thing to ever happen to him.

So what if his ex sent him a photo of me? The questions I have are: why does it matter to me so much, and why didn’t he tell me about it?

What do you think? Did I overreact? Did I make a big deal over something stupid? Or should Mr. J have told me about the text right away that morning?

In the meantime, I’ve decided to let it go. I’m not going to be one of those women and “punish” Mr. J for something he doesn’t know he did – or didn’t do. Like a strong, mature woman, I moved past it. I’m not holding a grudge. Or giving him the silent-but-bitchy treatment.

(Seriously. Why do women do that?)

Instead I remained the same supportive, loving person that I have always been with him. And hopefully, one day in the future, I’ll bring it up and just ask the question.

Or maybe I won’t ask the question. What’s the point in rehashing something that neither of us had control over?

The bigger issue is me trying to get a handle on my jealousy. If her texts didn’t bother me, then Mr. J would probably have told me about it.

What do you think? Rational or irrational? And should I still bring it up?

Two Down, One To Go

Mr. J told his children last night that I was going to be moving in.

And it did not go as he thought it would.

He sat the two of them down, and said, “so, I have something I want to talk to you about….”

And then The Daughter interrupted and said, “Anonymous is moving in?”

Yeah, they saw it coming.

Mr. J admitted to me today that he had been worried for nothing. Both of them seemed to take it in stride.

No questions. No comments. They were much more interested in getting back to the new iPhone and to Netflix.

And I think it really surprised Mr. J.

He said that he was worried for nothing. Their reaction was actually a non-reaction; and I think the fact that we had gone to the cottage together really helped. They already were used to thinking we were a unit; in fact, The Son actually said at one point that I was an “honorary GXXXXXX”.

I don’t think there could be a higher honor, and I would be very proud to be a GXXXXXX, honorary or not.

Next up will be telling The Ex. And I really hope that Mr. J gets the same reaction from her as he did from the children.

But somehow? I doubt that.

Even though it pains me, I have to trust that Mr. J will not let her reaction, whatever it may be, affect him.

Because I guarantee you, there will be a reaction. Either sad, ‘poor me, you are moving on’ reaction, or slightly angry, indignant reaction.

And between you and me, I am hoping for the angry reaction. Then maybe she will grow up, get her shit out of his basement once and for all. Because I really don’t care for the thought of my shit co-mingling in the basement with her shit. (Even if hers was there first)

I just have to hope that it happens on one of his good days, because Mr J. hasn’t really been himself lately. I believe he is still suffering from the after effects of his concussion. He’s been headachy, foggy, and not always able to carry on a conversation. He has his good days, and his not-so-good days.

And it scares the crap out of me.

It’s been a test, for sure. It’s taken everything for me to be rational, and to not take things personally. To realize that if he doesn’t say or do or act the way I think or expect him to… that it isn’t personal. He’s just… not himself.

But the scary thing is that he might not recover from this, and this new persona might actually be … himself. Maybe he will never be the way he was when we were first dating, before his concussion.

This might be our new normal.

But so long as the communication stays open – and the fear stays at bay – I think we can handle it.

Because he is worth it.

Vacation Time

Hello all!

I am back from a fun-filled week with Mr. J and his family. It was, for the most part, enjoyable. There were moments that were not-so-enjoyable, and I will share them as I am able to wrap my head around them.

Let’s start with the pre-trip frustration.

Before we even left the city… before we even picked up The Son and The Daughter, The Ex was making waves for Mr. J.

In one of her many, many texts to him, she said the same thing to Mr. J as she said the last time we were going to visit his family: “Just make sure your family bash me too much in front of the kids” – or some such nonsense to that effect.

Really?

Mr J is on vacation. With his children. And his HOT GIRLFRIEND.

Does she really think that we are going to sit in front of the fire, drinking and laughing about how awful The Ex is?

Really? Is she that shallow?

It’s sad, actually that she has so little confidence that she thinks that any of us would spend our precious vacation time thinking about her, let alone talking about her.

I know that it is her own guilt coming through. She  knows that what she did was shitty. And she knows Mr. J’s family knows the intimate details, and likely also thinks it was shitty

And she also didn’t care much for Mr J’s family – essentially forcing him to choose between her and them.

So to think that any of them would spend their time – especially when Mr J’s girlfriend is going to be there – talking about her is just sad.

In all the time I have spent with Mr J’s family, her name rarely come up.

With the one exception of trying to make future plans and realizing that the weekend in question was Mom’s weekend with the kids.

Let her feel guilty. I hope she does. I hope that she worried all week about all the details we were sharing about how horrible she is.

While I spent my week basking in the sun, reading some good books, going on boat rides, swimming, laughing, kayaking and eating and drinking myself silly.

Exactly how I wanted to spend my summer vacation.

 

No Going Back

This is it.

This is the weekend – or week ahead – that is make or break for us.

We leave tomorrow for a week at Mr J’s family cottage. Just us and his children.

For a whole week.

With no TV.

No internet.

No video games on the laptop.

Just fun and sun and the lake and fresh air.

And family time.

It’s going to be interesting as I’ve never spent more than three consecutive days with them at one time.

And it’s also going to be the week where we make our plans to move in together known to all.

Including the children.

I’m torn about how to do it. There are two ways, and both seem good.

Scenario 1 – Mr. J tells the kids on his own. That way they can speak candidly about how they feel. Either together or separate, but they can talk about it with their father if they need to. Their own fears. Their own insecurities. (And when I say ‘they’ I really mean the Daughter. The Son probably won’t really realize what this means until it happens)

Scenario 2 – Mr J and I tell the kids together. This could be more awkward but it does show the two of us as a united front. But then the kids might not feel like they can speak up about how they feel about this change, and how it will affect them.

I’m really not sure which is the best way to go, to be honest. Scenario 1 is good if the kids want to talk about things with their Dad, but I’m not sure they would even if they had issues. And really, only the Daughter would say anything as I don’t think The Son will care one way or the other.

But then it will really depend on the timing of things. If the daughter makes a comment about Mr. J and I and our PDAs, it might be the perfect opportunity to bring it up. Or, it might happen one night at dinner. Or during a boat trip. Or shopping trip.

Regardless of how it happens, it needs to happen this week. The kids need some time to get used to the idea, and as soon as it happens, even though I hate the thought of it, Mr. J needs to tell The Ex. She should not hear about it from The Daughter – it should come right from him.

And then he will have to deal with the fallout of that – the passive-aggressive “I’m happy for you but I’m really not” shit that tends to get thrown around whenever something good happens to him.

But as I keep telling myself, I have to trust that Mr. J handles her the best he can, and that his heart is really into this move.

It’s my own insecurities that are messing with my head. It’s taking everything in me to be mature about this relationship and not fuck it up like I have with all the other ones.

I’m jealous of The Ex.

I know, right? But because she left, I feel she still tries to manipulate Mr. J and his feelings.

And that pisses me off.

I can’t know for certain, but I know how women play games. Control games. Manipulation games.

The ‘I’ll send you a text that has nothing to do with our kids so that I am in your head’ game.

And I hate how it makes me feel.

This is my struggle.

What I really want to do is smack her upside the head and say, “grow up”.

You left. You tore up a family for your own happiness.

You don’t get to play with people’s feelings. They are not your puppets.

You wanted to be happy, go be happy and leave your past behind.

But then you see, I am also torn.

For I am also grateful to her, because if she hadn’t left, if she hadn’t been selfish and caused the man I love the worst pain of his life….

…then I wouldn’t be the happiest I have ever been in my life.

So how fucked up is that?

Summer Lovin’

I’ve been back from my summer holiday for over a week now. I’ve got so much going on inside my head that it’s going to take some time for me to process it and get it down in writing. Which, as I have said, is the best way for me to work things out.

Let’s start with my vacation. We’ll get to the relationship issues later.

Vacation overall was a success. I left on Sunday August 2 and drove to visit my mom for a bit but got stuck in traffic so I ended up arriving right when she was heading into lunch, so no time to chat. From there I left and drove to my overnight location, where I had planned to do some outlet shopping. When I arrived at the outlets I had been driving for 7.5 hours. I shopped for just under 3 hours and managed to get what I considered some good deals. Then I stopped at Applebee’s to have dinner – and use the free WiFi. Both were really good. After dinner I hit the motel, checked in, and just crashed in my room since I was exhausted from driving all day.

The next morning, I was at Wal-Mart early, and found some great deals there. I love their Faded Glory jeans; the straight leg dark wash are fabulous. They are high enough in the back and hips to avoid muffin top, but low enough in the front to hold in things that need holding in. And on sale for $7 a pair? I bought two in the dark wash, along with other items like shampoo and body wash and some grocery items.

From there it was just a short two-hour drive to the beach. But first I stopped in another town for some shopping where I got a great purse at Kohl’s for only $12. And lunch at another Applebee’s, which was once again delicious. After lunch I hit another Wal-Mart which was much closer to my destination and picked up things like milk and cereal and frozen food at prices I knew were cheaper than they would be at the grocery store in beach town. And wouldn’t you know, my Faded Glory jeans were only $7 there! So of course I bought one more dark wash, a boot cut, and a lighter wash skinny. Come on – $7? Who could pass that up?

I arrived at my motel at around 3 pm on Monday. I checked in and immediately hit the pool. It was so hot, and the pool was mostly deserted. It was the best way to relax after two long days spent driving.

Over the next few days I spent my time seeing the area I knew so well. I hit 4 different beaches, saw two harbors, did some hiking, and took lots of photos. But to be honest, by the second full day, I was ready to leave. I arrived on Monday afternoon and by Wednesday night, I was lonely. I mean, I had been chatting online with people while away, but by then I had spent four full days on my own. I tried to keep busy sightseeing, but it was starting to drain on me. Everywhere I looked were families, couples, or senior couples. Holding hands, walking on the beach, just being together.

I hardly talked with anyone; I met a few people at the motel, but I didn’t spend a lot of time there. I tried to keep myself busy, but it was perhaps a little too long at one place. I think if I do it again I would spend only two days there, and then perhaps two days somewhere else. It was a very long drive back home – 12 hours including shopping stops – so next time, maybe take the 2 days to drive back and spend the night somewhere on the road. In my mind, I guess I thought spending the most time possible at the beach was the way to go; but in theory, I think that splitting the drive would have been a better idea – lesson learned.

Would I travel on my own again? I think so. I did enjoy taking photos and seeing the beach. But it definitely would have been better to share this trip with someone. Friend or boyfriend – just having company would have been wonderful.

But I did it. On my own. I ate by myself, drove by myself, shopped by myself.

It was a little too much time by myself.

Time to think. To dream. To obsess.

Three things I do all too well I’m afraid.

Things with Mr. M are going really well. The night before I left on vacation, he came over for dinner. My roommate was gone overnight, so he came to dinner and it was wonderful. I made a killer meal, we watched a movie and he spent the night.

Every time we get together, I start having doubts.

About me.

I look at him – handsome, a killer physique, funny, smart – and I wonder what he is doing with me.

I start having self-doubts. I start thinking too much, worrying too much.

When we met, he told me he hadn’t dated in six years since his divorce. Well, he admitted that 18 months ago he went ‘fishing’, lasted about a month and then closed up shop. He talked to a few women but he didn’t really connect with anyone. One thing he was up front about is that he doesn’t drink; he is not in recovery or anything like that, but his mother died from alcohol abuse (something I can completely understand) and so he stopped drinking to prevent himself from falling down the same trap. He said it’s been over 10 years since he drank and doesn’t miss it.

What I found interesting though when he told me this was that some women he chatted with were actually put off by his non-drink status. Some women said they would prefer having a drink or a glass of wine with someone.

Whereas I can take it or leave it. But Mr. M. has made it clear that it’s fine if I want to have a drink or two; it’s just not his thing. In fact, when he came for dinner he brought three cans of my favorite hard cider.

He’s very thoughtful that way.

We’ve been seeing each other for a month now, and I can’t see a downside. He’s funny, smart, loves music and we never stop talking when we are together. He goes to the gym but is not a gym rat; he rides a motorcycle sometimes, and looks really hot on it. When we sit on the couch watching tv, we’re connected. He absently rubs my feet or my legs.

But I’m still waiting for the bubble to burst.

This is too good to be true. It has to be.

He came over on Monday evening, still dressed in his work clothes, and as he came down the hallway, my heart stopped.

Damn he looked good.

And that’s where my doubts come in. He is way out of my league.

He’s a busy guy; his sons are both over 19 and he tries to see them each at least once a week. He goes to the gym. He plays softball one night a week.

He’s talked a lot about his younger years – not just his divorce (his wife cheated on him) but his childhood, his teen years. Living with an alcoholic mother and a father who died at 43 when Mr. M was only 14.

He had a rough start to life, was a little wild, but has grown into a very fine man.

F-I-N-E fine.

I’ve met his roommate, and he’s met mine. But that’s as far as it’s gone.

It’s only been a month. There’s no one else on my side for him to meet. In two years with Mr. K, my ex boyfriend, the roommate was pretty much the only one of my friends he had ever met. Just bad timing.

Or as I always felt, I was his dirty little secret.

I think that’s why now I feel anxious about meeting some of Mr. M’s family. He has three brothers, two who live nearby and one who lives up north. He’s quite close with one brother, and is at his cottage this weekend fishing with his oldest boy (not sure about the younger but he’s told me that fishing is not his thing so I’m not sure).

This is where my head gets me into trouble. I start thinking too much… and wonder if he’s talked about me to his family. To his kids.

And I hate myself for wanting to know.

Because I can see a future. With this man. I can see us living together. I can see us as a couple. A real couple, not a pretend one.

And I hate myself for this. Because things in my life never work out the way I want them to. I mean, what are the chances that I meet a guy online and we end up together?

He scares me.

I can see myself holding back. I wait to hear from him before I send him a message. I can see myself making the same mistakes I might have made with Mr. K.

And that scares me.

There’s potential here. After a month, I can see it. I’m just worried that I am going to ruin it. I’m going to keep being closed off and cold and will drive him away.

I don’t know how to be in a functioning healthy relationship. You know, one where you actually talk and pay attention to your partner. Where you want to have sex.

When we started talking, we had some text sex.

It was pretty hot.

I was concerned when he told me he had been single for six years, though. I mean, six years with no sex? That to me speaks with sexual dysfunction.

So we talked about it, by text message. It’s sometimes easier than in person.

He told me that his ex cheating on him did a number on his self-confidence, to which I can totally relate.

So he warned me that he may have ‘issues’ when it comes to intimacy. Let’s just say he can get ‘gun shy’.

In the month we’ve been together it’s only happened once. The second time we were together.

But we talked about it. And worked around it, if you get my meaning.

I understand that men have equipment issues at times. But he has always made sure that it was good for me, no matter what the activity.

We’ve made it work, and since then there have been no issues. In fact, things in that department are excellent.

And this is where I get scared. Again.

I’m scared that he will stay with me long enough to fix his confidence issues, and then realize everything – and everyone else – out there and will leave me to find someone better.

He’s never given me any indication that it will happen. In fact, on our third date, when we were driving around, we were talking about snowmobiling, and I said that I had never been on one before. Under his breath he muttered, ‘we’ll change that’.

So he has unofficial plans for the future.

I know this is all in my head. I know I am thinking about it too much. And that gets me into trouble.

I have fantasies that he will invite me to the cottage with him when he goes up. Part of me is hurt that he didn’t ask me to go with him yesterday.

Which I know is wrong. I KNOW it’s wrong. I know that he is entitled to spend time with his boys – and his family – without me.

I am not the center of his world. I know that. And I know that there is nothing wrong with him going to his brother’s cottage for a day or two.

But I can’t stop myself from wishing he’d asked me to join him. Not just because it’s so hot, but because of the significance of it.

Once again I am pushing things too far, too fast. Patience has never been my strong suit.

But I’m going to try. Because this relationship – if we are calling it that, I don’t even know – has potential.

And I am going to try really hard to just focus on the now, and not on the future. To live in the moment and see what develops.

Because I really want to see what develops.

 

 

 

Fun in the Sun?

Well summer looks like it’s finally here in the Great White Way. The temperatures this week have been the same as if it was the middle of July, instead of the beginning of May.

And I’m Lovin’ It.

I’ve also been chatting a lot with Mr. R. We met eight years ago at a mutual friend’s wedding and recently reconnected through those friends. He’s single, I’m single… so we’ve been chatting.

Good chats. About everything and nothing. You know that feeling when you first meet someone and all your stories are new and all their stories are new?

Yeah, that.

We live about two hours apart from each other, but he comes to my city to teach every so often, and I literally drive within 3 minutes of his house when I drive home to visit my mother.

And two hours by car is nothing.

So… we’ll see. I am going to visit my mother for Mother’s Day this weekend and am hoping that I can meet Mr. R for a quick drink on my drive home.

Just to break the ice.

Because the following weekend, I am heading to Florida with my brother for a week.

I know. I can’t believe it myself. And I will be flying out of Mr. R’s city and flying home into mine.

What can I say? I’m cheap, and even with the overnight hotel, it was still cheaper than return flight from my town.

So we have plans to see each other next weekend as well, Mr. R and I. And it would be good if we met before that on a more casual basis, just to break the ice.

I’m not thinking anything further than that. I haven’t even suggested we meet tomorrow yet. I’ve been playing it very causally, which is totally not like me.

But the following weekend is a whole other story.

The other big news in this post is that I am going to Florida with my brother.

That alone is a feat. I haven’t traveled with him since we were kids on family trips, so… about 35 years.

I’m really hesitant about it, but I am trying to put all my feelings aside and just take it for what it is – a week in the sun in Florida, by the beach. No theme parks, no organized activities… just relaxing.

Of course I may want to kill him after the first ten minutes in the car with him, but I am going to be optimistic. I realized that I need to let things go if I can, and to stop holding grudges. I hold my family at arm’s length, and that’s not going to get me anywhere so this is a first step in doing that.

I noticed lately that I am closing myself off to emotions, either family or romantic. I’ve become colder than I was, and I don’t like knowing that about myself.

I’m scared to get involved with someone new and have it fall apart again, as it always does. To invest in someone emotionally only to get my heart stomped on. So I hold back. And that makes me seem cold and unfeeling.

But I do feel.

A lot.

And that is what gets me into trouble, and I’m just not sure I can go through it all again.

So in the meantime I will concentrate on Florida and imagine myself sitting on the white-sand beach, a cool drink at my side, and the ocean breeze caressing my skin.

Fun in the sun.