Reconnecting

This weekend we went to my cousin’s wedding in a small town about 1.5 hours from where we live.

Mr. J booked the day off work in order to attend the event with me. He doesn’t get many random days to take off in a year, so using one for this was appreciated.

The drive to the wedding was slightly strained. He knew that I was still hurting/angry from the week, added to the fact that having been busy with his children for most of the week, we didn’t talk much. For the last three nights he only came to bed after I was asleep.

So I wanted this weekend to be about US. (Sorry cousin!) I wanted us to get dressed up, to be social, to drink and eat and dance and be surrounded by love.

We’d lost touch last week, in part from our lack of communication, and in part because of how I am feeling overall about our relationship of late.

Ironically, we sat at the ‘unmarried’ table. There were six of us: the couple to our left have been together for six years, but not married. The women across from us (not a couple, but friends who came together), are both not married. One has been with her partner for 16 years, the other, with hers for a whopping 38 years. Never married.

So Mr. J joked (privately to me) that we were the worst at the table. Not only had I been divorced three times (!!!), but he was still married.

Now at this point we had both had a few cocktails and so I believe he meant that as a joke. As in, ‘how scandalous’!!

But having had a cocktail myself, the tone might not have been so playful when I turned to him and said, “trust me, I am well aware of that fact”.  (Actually, that’s not true. I said something else but now, writing this, I can’t quite remember what it was exactly. So that will suffice until I remember what I actually said (if I ever do)).

At that point, I got up and went to get myself another drink at the bar.

I cooled off a little, then went back to the table. Our dinner arrived, we chatted amongst our new friends… and the evening went well. I had fun. I hope Mr. J had fun.

We chatted, listened to music, ate dinner. Drank. Watched the newlyweds in their loving glow.

Then later on in the evening, the dancing started, and Mr. J and I actually had our very first dance. He says he is not much of a dancer, and let me tell you – when it comes to slow dancing, he is very good. He does the basic ‘sway’ – no fancy footwork here – but he makes up for it in the way he held me tight. Secure against him.

As if to say ‘you’re mine, and I’m not letting you go’.

So I can forgive the guy if his fast dance moves make him look like he’s auditioning for the Yoko Ono video ‘Bad Dancer‘. (I wish I was kidding. Sadly, I’m not.)

While our communication issue is still ‘there’, this weekend getaway did help our relationship. It did help us to reconnect. I left the issue at home, and tried to concentrate on US. On being present and enjoying the moment with him. On celebrating my cousin and her new husband – along with everyone else in the room.

This weekend also proved that we don’t have to ‘travel’ to get away. I realized that we’ve gone away twice this year so far, and both times have been really good. This time, for the wedding, as well as one overnight in March to visit my mother.

And I realized that maybe this is the key. Mr. J said he doesn’t like to ‘travel’. Maybe the long distance, and his time away from home is what freaks him out. So I am going to talk to him about a compromise. Instead of long road trips, maybe our thing will be short overnight stays; we could easily leave after he finishes work on a Saturday afternoon, drive somewhere for an overnight, and then come back home the next day. To not go further away than where my mom lives, but still somewhere out of the area. We drive there, check into a hotel, have dinner, then we relax, have some really hot hotel room sex. Then the next morning we check out, explore the area, and then leave to arrive home just after suppertime, giving us enough time to take care of a few things before work the next day. Nothing stressful, nothing rushed.

Just some time away to relax and recharge.

Tomorrow night (his summer hockey begins tonight), I will bring this up with him to see what he thinks. We could do a weekend in July or August to test the waters, and see how he feels about it. We can go forward to get him his passport which would open up a lot more options for us, travel-wise.

But, one step at a time. I’d like to bask in the glow from this weekend and appreciate what we had.

Just a little while longer.

 

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I wish sometimes I could get out of my own head.

I wish I could talk to Mr. J about these issues that are bothering me.

But then I wonder, are these really issues? Or am I just making things up to make up drama to make myself unhappy?

I want to be part of his life. I want to be more than a ‘house mate’. But the reality is seeming to be more and more that this is all that I am. Except we sleep together.

I share his bed. I share the bills with him – except for food and fuel for the vehicles. But that is all we share. We do not share anything else. Oh – and I am on his cell phone plan, but I pay for my phone in full.

With his wife he shares two kids – although I realized this weekend that to them, Mom’s house is ‘Home’. I’m pretty sure that Dad’s house is just somewhere they have to go every second week. At least I’m pretty sure that’s how The Daughter feels. I don’t really know about The Son – but he did say once to us that he helps out more at Mom’s house because, and yes, I quote: “well, you have Anonymous, and Mom is alone’.

When asked for more information he said that he feels ‘sorry for Mom’ because she’s alone, so he helps out more with chores around the house.

I won’t lie, I walked away when at that comment. I let his father talk to him about that, and Mr. J said that he set a few things straight, mainly about how that was what Mom wanted, and that Mom isn’t doing everything ‘alone’. She had her Boyfriend put their beds together when they moved and he also hung curtains and pictures. So don’t feel sorry for Mom.

But I digress…

What am I doing? I am taking a perfectly normal, happy situation and am trying to fuck it up in my mind. I can go days being normally happy and then like last night when I couldn’t sleep, my mind was racing with the same thoughts as before. Thinking of everything Mr. J and his wife share that we don’t: children, dentist, benefits through work, financial advisers, bank accounts, financial and tax information….

We don’t share anything. Except a bed.  And even that bed frame he shared with her when they were together (thankfully the mattress is new). And some bed sheets are old as well, although I keep trying to bring in new ones to replace. I try very hard to only use my own towels that I bought with me. Weird?

Since we moved in we’ve bought nothing together. We eat off their wedding china every damn day. (It’s Denby and he loves it, so what am I to say about it?)

This week is crazy busy with tutoring tonight, school concert tomorrow night, then Mr. J books summer work on Thursday morning so he needs to look at that beforehand. We have a wedding to go to on Saturday (my cousin’s) so we won’t really have any time to talk until Sunday or Monday when it’s just us again.

I enjoy travel, and I knew going in that it wasn’t his thing. But last year after his concussion he had a scare – the doctor told him he thought Mr. J might have an aneurysm, but the tests came back clear. And at the time, Mr. J told me that the possibility kind of scared him. He realized that his life might be short – as his mothers’ was – and so maybe it was time to live more in the now. So we talked briefly about taking a little road trip this Fall. Just the two of us. (I’ve mentioned this is past posts.)

But last night he pretty much told me that thanks to me paying half his bills, his money situation is good now. He’s happy with it. But that he still doesn’t want to spend the money on travel, as he isn’t comfortable with it.

So there goes one more thing we could do to bring us closer as a couple.

Although as he said that, I did say that I wasn’t convinced that he would have been fully present on a trip with me anyway; that I wasn’t interested in spending my time waiting for him to respond to messages that had no urgency nor need for being sent in the first place. You want to send your children the daily messages that you do (which all go unanswered), great. Awesome. But the other messages from your wife about nonsense? Yeah, no thanks.

This weekend at my cousin’s wedding will be a test. To see how much of the day he gives me his complete attention, vs. how many messages he receives from his wife – and how often he checks his phone.

All of this has been written previously. I’m just recycling the same information over and over. Nothing has come of it because I haven’t done anything about it. I can’t fault him for that, as he doesn’t know how I feel.

He doesn’t know how I feel because I haven’t told him how I feel. That’s on me. So unless I am going to tell him, I can’t blame him for something he knows nothing about.

Time to make a plan. And hopefully something good will come of this plan. I just have to wait for the right opening, and hope I can do it in a non-accusatory way. The key is for me to learn patience and how to discuss this in a mature way. Or should I just say, “what the fuck, dude?”

Yeah. THAT will go over well.

 

 

Vacation Time

Hello all!

I am back from a fun-filled week with Mr. J and his family. It was, for the most part, enjoyable. There were moments that were not-so-enjoyable, and I will share them as I am able to wrap my head around them.

Let’s start with the pre-trip frustration.

Before we even left the city… before we even picked up The Son and The Daughter, The Ex was making waves for Mr. J.

In one of her many, many texts to him, she said the same thing to Mr. J as she said the last time we were going to visit his family: “Just make sure your family bash me too much in front of the kids” – or some such nonsense to that effect.

Really?

Mr J is on vacation. With his children. And his HOT GIRLFRIEND.

Does she really think that we are going to sit in front of the fire, drinking and laughing about how awful The Ex is?

Really? Is she that shallow?

It’s sad, actually that she has so little confidence that she thinks that any of us would spend our precious vacation time thinking about her, let alone talking about her.

I know that it is her own guilt coming through. She  knows that what she did was shitty. And she knows Mr. J’s family knows the intimate details, and likely also thinks it was shitty

And she also didn’t care much for Mr J’s family – essentially forcing him to choose between her and them.

So to think that any of them would spend their time – especially when Mr J’s girlfriend is going to be there – talking about her is just sad.

In all the time I have spent with Mr J’s family, her name rarely come up.

With the one exception of trying to make future plans and realizing that the weekend in question was Mom’s weekend with the kids.

Let her feel guilty. I hope she does. I hope that she worried all week about all the details we were sharing about how horrible she is.

While I spent my week basking in the sun, reading some good books, going on boat rides, swimming, laughing, kayaking and eating and drinking myself silly.

Exactly how I wanted to spend my summer vacation.

 

Summer Lovin’

I’ve been back from my summer holiday for over a week now. I’ve got so much going on inside my head that it’s going to take some time for me to process it and get it down in writing. Which, as I have said, is the best way for me to work things out.

Let’s start with my vacation. We’ll get to the relationship issues later.

Vacation overall was a success. I left on Sunday August 2 and drove to visit my mom for a bit but got stuck in traffic so I ended up arriving right when she was heading into lunch, so no time to chat. From there I left and drove to my overnight location, where I had planned to do some outlet shopping. When I arrived at the outlets I had been driving for 7.5 hours. I shopped for just under 3 hours and managed to get what I considered some good deals. Then I stopped at Applebee’s to have dinner – and use the free WiFi. Both were really good. After dinner I hit the motel, checked in, and just crashed in my room since I was exhausted from driving all day.

The next morning, I was at Wal-Mart early, and found some great deals there. I love their Faded Glory jeans; the straight leg dark wash are fabulous. They are high enough in the back and hips to avoid muffin top, but low enough in the front to hold in things that need holding in. And on sale for $7 a pair? I bought two in the dark wash, along with other items like shampoo and body wash and some grocery items.

From there it was just a short two-hour drive to the beach. But first I stopped in another town for some shopping where I got a great purse at Kohl’s for only $12. And lunch at another Applebee’s, which was once again delicious. After lunch I hit another Wal-Mart which was much closer to my destination and picked up things like milk and cereal and frozen food at prices I knew were cheaper than they would be at the grocery store in beach town. And wouldn’t you know, my Faded Glory jeans were only $7 there! So of course I bought one more dark wash, a boot cut, and a lighter wash skinny. Come on – $7? Who could pass that up?

I arrived at my motel at around 3 pm on Monday. I checked in and immediately hit the pool. It was so hot, and the pool was mostly deserted. It was the best way to relax after two long days spent driving.

Over the next few days I spent my time seeing the area I knew so well. I hit 4 different beaches, saw two harbors, did some hiking, and took lots of photos. But to be honest, by the second full day, I was ready to leave. I arrived on Monday afternoon and by Wednesday night, I was lonely. I mean, I had been chatting online with people while away, but by then I had spent four full days on my own. I tried to keep busy sightseeing, but it was starting to drain on me. Everywhere I looked were families, couples, or senior couples. Holding hands, walking on the beach, just being together.

I hardly talked with anyone; I met a few people at the motel, but I didn’t spend a lot of time there. I tried to keep myself busy, but it was perhaps a little too long at one place. I think if I do it again I would spend only two days there, and then perhaps two days somewhere else. It was a very long drive back home – 12 hours including shopping stops – so next time, maybe take the 2 days to drive back and spend the night somewhere on the road. In my mind, I guess I thought spending the most time possible at the beach was the way to go; but in theory, I think that splitting the drive would have been a better idea – lesson learned.

Would I travel on my own again? I think so. I did enjoy taking photos and seeing the beach. But it definitely would have been better to share this trip with someone. Friend or boyfriend – just having company would have been wonderful.

But I did it. On my own. I ate by myself, drove by myself, shopped by myself.

It was a little too much time by myself.

Time to think. To dream. To obsess.

Three things I do all too well I’m afraid.

Things with Mr. M are going really well. The night before I left on vacation, he came over for dinner. My roommate was gone overnight, so he came to dinner and it was wonderful. I made a killer meal, we watched a movie and he spent the night.

Every time we get together, I start having doubts.

About me.

I look at him – handsome, a killer physique, funny, smart – and I wonder what he is doing with me.

I start having self-doubts. I start thinking too much, worrying too much.

When we met, he told me he hadn’t dated in six years since his divorce. Well, he admitted that 18 months ago he went ‘fishing’, lasted about a month and then closed up shop. He talked to a few women but he didn’t really connect with anyone. One thing he was up front about is that he doesn’t drink; he is not in recovery or anything like that, but his mother died from alcohol abuse (something I can completely understand) and so he stopped drinking to prevent himself from falling down the same trap. He said it’s been over 10 years since he drank and doesn’t miss it.

What I found interesting though when he told me this was that some women he chatted with were actually put off by his non-drink status. Some women said they would prefer having a drink or a glass of wine with someone.

Whereas I can take it or leave it. But Mr. M. has made it clear that it’s fine if I want to have a drink or two; it’s just not his thing. In fact, when he came for dinner he brought three cans of my favorite hard cider.

He’s very thoughtful that way.

We’ve been seeing each other for a month now, and I can’t see a downside. He’s funny, smart, loves music and we never stop talking when we are together. He goes to the gym but is not a gym rat; he rides a motorcycle sometimes, and looks really hot on it. When we sit on the couch watching tv, we’re connected. He absently rubs my feet or my legs.

But I’m still waiting for the bubble to burst.

This is too good to be true. It has to be.

He came over on Monday evening, still dressed in his work clothes, and as he came down the hallway, my heart stopped.

Damn he looked good.

And that’s where my doubts come in. He is way out of my league.

He’s a busy guy; his sons are both over 19 and he tries to see them each at least once a week. He goes to the gym. He plays softball one night a week.

He’s talked a lot about his younger years – not just his divorce (his wife cheated on him) but his childhood, his teen years. Living with an alcoholic mother and a father who died at 43 when Mr. M was only 14.

He had a rough start to life, was a little wild, but has grown into a very fine man.

F-I-N-E fine.

I’ve met his roommate, and he’s met mine. But that’s as far as it’s gone.

It’s only been a month. There’s no one else on my side for him to meet. In two years with Mr. K, my ex boyfriend, the roommate was pretty much the only one of my friends he had ever met. Just bad timing.

Or as I always felt, I was his dirty little secret.

I think that’s why now I feel anxious about meeting some of Mr. M’s family. He has three brothers, two who live nearby and one who lives up north. He’s quite close with one brother, and is at his cottage this weekend fishing with his oldest boy (not sure about the younger but he’s told me that fishing is not his thing so I’m not sure).

This is where my head gets me into trouble. I start thinking too much… and wonder if he’s talked about me to his family. To his kids.

And I hate myself for wanting to know.

Because I can see a future. With this man. I can see us living together. I can see us as a couple. A real couple, not a pretend one.

And I hate myself for this. Because things in my life never work out the way I want them to. I mean, what are the chances that I meet a guy online and we end up together?

He scares me.

I can see myself holding back. I wait to hear from him before I send him a message. I can see myself making the same mistakes I might have made with Mr. K.

And that scares me.

There’s potential here. After a month, I can see it. I’m just worried that I am going to ruin it. I’m going to keep being closed off and cold and will drive him away.

I don’t know how to be in a functioning healthy relationship. You know, one where you actually talk and pay attention to your partner. Where you want to have sex.

When we started talking, we had some text sex.

It was pretty hot.

I was concerned when he told me he had been single for six years, though. I mean, six years with no sex? That to me speaks with sexual dysfunction.

So we talked about it, by text message. It’s sometimes easier than in person.

He told me that his ex cheating on him did a number on his self-confidence, to which I can totally relate.

So he warned me that he may have ‘issues’ when it comes to intimacy. Let’s just say he can get ‘gun shy’.

In the month we’ve been together it’s only happened once. The second time we were together.

But we talked about it. And worked around it, if you get my meaning.

I understand that men have equipment issues at times. But he has always made sure that it was good for me, no matter what the activity.

We’ve made it work, and since then there have been no issues. In fact, things in that department are excellent.

And this is where I get scared. Again.

I’m scared that he will stay with me long enough to fix his confidence issues, and then realize everything – and everyone else – out there and will leave me to find someone better.

He’s never given me any indication that it will happen. In fact, on our third date, when we were driving around, we were talking about snowmobiling, and I said that I had never been on one before. Under his breath he muttered, ‘we’ll change that’.

So he has unofficial plans for the future.

I know this is all in my head. I know I am thinking about it too much. And that gets me into trouble.

I have fantasies that he will invite me to the cottage with him when he goes up. Part of me is hurt that he didn’t ask me to go with him yesterday.

Which I know is wrong. I KNOW it’s wrong. I know that he is entitled to spend time with his boys – and his family – without me.

I am not the center of his world. I know that. And I know that there is nothing wrong with him going to his brother’s cottage for a day or two.

But I can’t stop myself from wishing he’d asked me to join him. Not just because it’s so hot, but because of the significance of it.

Once again I am pushing things too far, too fast. Patience has never been my strong suit.

But I’m going to try. Because this relationship – if we are calling it that, I don’t even know – has potential.

And I am going to try really hard to just focus on the now, and not on the future. To live in the moment and see what develops.

Because I really want to see what develops.

 

 

 

Another First

Well I did it. A first for me.

I booked a vacation. On my own.

I’m going to spend 4 days at the beach, in a room, by myself. I will drive there by myself.

I will sleep there by myself.

I will explore the (well-known to me) area by myself.

I will go to the beach, lay on the sand and read by myself.

I will walk on the beach at sunset by myself.

I will do this.

I can do this.

I must do this.

I need to stop waiting. Waiting for someone else to come with me, or to invite me elsewhere.

Sure, this vacation is the first week in August, and that’s a long way away. However, it’s also a busy beach town and hotels book up fast – especially reasonably priced ones.

It’s not the fanciest of motels but it suits my needs. I am not a top-shelf girl.

A bed, air conditioning, fridge, microwave and pool. Those are my basic requirements for a hotel. It’s walking distance to the beach (a mile), or for $1 I can take public transport. (Parking is outrageous during daylight hours). I know the beaches, the restaurants, the area exceptionally well, as I’ve been vacationing there in some form since I was a kid with my parents.

If my mom was healthier I’d take her with me but she’s already decided that she’s staying put.

I’ve made my plans. I’ve even planned out my days so that I know how much I can see and do in the short time I’m there. Lighthouses, nature hiking, kayaking and shopping are planned, plus assorted beach time.

I can do this. I need to do this, for me.

And if, by some miracle, someone does come along in the months between now and August….

Well he better damn sure love the beach. That’s all I’m saying.