I’ve been back from my summer holiday for over a week now. I’ve got so much going on inside my head that it’s going to take some time for me to process it and get it down in writing. Which, as I have said, is the best way for me to work things out.
Let’s start with my vacation. We’ll get to the relationship issues later.
Vacation overall was a success. I left on Sunday August 2 and drove to visit my mom for a bit but got stuck in traffic so I ended up arriving right when she was heading into lunch, so no time to chat. From there I left and drove to my overnight location, where I had planned to do some outlet shopping. When I arrived at the outlets I had been driving for 7.5 hours. I shopped for just under 3 hours and managed to get what I considered some good deals. Then I stopped at Applebee’s to have dinner – and use the free WiFi. Both were really good. After dinner I hit the motel, checked in, and just crashed in my room since I was exhausted from driving all day.
The next morning, I was at Wal-Mart early, and found some great deals there. I love their Faded Glory jeans; the straight leg dark wash are fabulous. They are high enough in the back and hips to avoid muffin top, but low enough in the front to hold in things that need holding in. And on sale for $7 a pair? I bought two in the dark wash, along with other items like shampoo and body wash and some grocery items.
From there it was just a short two-hour drive to the beach. But first I stopped in another town for some shopping where I got a great purse at Kohl’s for only $12. And lunch at another Applebee’s, which was once again delicious. After lunch I hit another Wal-Mart which was much closer to my destination and picked up things like milk and cereal and frozen food at prices I knew were cheaper than they would be at the grocery store in beach town. And wouldn’t you know, my Faded Glory jeans were only $7 there! So of course I bought one more dark wash, a boot cut, and a lighter wash skinny. Come on – $7? Who could pass that up?
I arrived at my motel at around 3 pm on Monday. I checked in and immediately hit the pool. It was so hot, and the pool was mostly deserted. It was the best way to relax after two long days spent driving.
Over the next few days I spent my time seeing the area I knew so well. I hit 4 different beaches, saw two harbors, did some hiking, and took lots of photos. But to be honest, by the second full day, I was ready to leave. I arrived on Monday afternoon and by Wednesday night, I was lonely. I mean, I had been chatting online with people while away, but by then I had spent four full days on my own. I tried to keep busy sightseeing, but it was starting to drain on me. Everywhere I looked were families, couples, or senior couples. Holding hands, walking on the beach, just being together.
I hardly talked with anyone; I met a few people at the motel, but I didn’t spend a lot of time there. I tried to keep myself busy, but it was perhaps a little too long at one place. I think if I do it again I would spend only two days there, and then perhaps two days somewhere else. It was a very long drive back home – 12 hours including shopping stops – so next time, maybe take the 2 days to drive back and spend the night somewhere on the road. In my mind, I guess I thought spending the most time possible at the beach was the way to go; but in theory, I think that splitting the drive would have been a better idea – lesson learned.
Would I travel on my own again? I think so. I did enjoy taking photos and seeing the beach. But it definitely would have been better to share this trip with someone. Friend or boyfriend – just having company would have been wonderful.
But I did it. On my own. I ate by myself, drove by myself, shopped by myself.
It was a little too much time by myself.
Time to think. To dream. To obsess.
Three things I do all too well I’m afraid.
Things with Mr. M are going really well. The night before I left on vacation, he came over for dinner. My roommate was gone overnight, so he came to dinner and it was wonderful. I made a killer meal, we watched a movie and he spent the night.
Every time we get together, I start having doubts.
I look at him – handsome, a killer physique, funny, smart – and I wonder what he is doing with me.
I start having self-doubts. I start thinking too much, worrying too much.
When we met, he told me he hadn’t dated in six years since his divorce. Well, he admitted that 18 months ago he went ‘fishing’, lasted about a month and then closed up shop. He talked to a few women but he didn’t really connect with anyone. One thing he was up front about is that he doesn’t drink; he is not in recovery or anything like that, but his mother died from alcohol abuse (something I can completely understand) and so he stopped drinking to prevent himself from falling down the same trap. He said it’s been over 10 years since he drank and doesn’t miss it.
What I found interesting though when he told me this was that some women he chatted with were actually put off by his non-drink status. Some women said they would prefer having a drink or a glass of wine with someone.
Whereas I can take it or leave it. But Mr. M. has made it clear that it’s fine if I want to have a drink or two; it’s just not his thing. In fact, when he came for dinner he brought three cans of my favorite hard cider.
He’s very thoughtful that way.
We’ve been seeing each other for a month now, and I can’t see a downside. He’s funny, smart, loves music and we never stop talking when we are together. He goes to the gym but is not a gym rat; he rides a motorcycle sometimes, and looks really hot on it. When we sit on the couch watching tv, we’re connected. He absently rubs my feet or my legs.
But I’m still waiting for the bubble to burst.
This is too good to be true. It has to be.
He came over on Monday evening, still dressed in his work clothes, and as he came down the hallway, my heart stopped.
Damn he looked good.
And that’s where my doubts come in. He is way out of my league.
He’s a busy guy; his sons are both over 19 and he tries to see them each at least once a week. He goes to the gym. He plays softball one night a week.
He’s talked a lot about his younger years – not just his divorce (his wife cheated on him) but his childhood, his teen years. Living with an alcoholic mother and a father who died at 43 when Mr. M was only 14.
He had a rough start to life, was a little wild, but has grown into a very fine man.
I’ve met his roommate, and he’s met mine. But that’s as far as it’s gone.
It’s only been a month. There’s no one else on my side for him to meet. In two years with Mr. K, my ex boyfriend, the roommate was pretty much the only one of my friends he had ever met. Just bad timing.
Or as I always felt, I was his dirty little secret.
I think that’s why now I feel anxious about meeting some of Mr. M’s family. He has three brothers, two who live nearby and one who lives up north. He’s quite close with one brother, and is at his cottage this weekend fishing with his oldest boy (not sure about the younger but he’s told me that fishing is not his thing so I’m not sure).
This is where my head gets me into trouble. I start thinking too much… and wonder if he’s talked about me to his family. To his kids.
And I hate myself for wanting to know.
Because I can see a future. With this man. I can see us living together. I can see us as a couple. A real couple, not a pretend one.
And I hate myself for this. Because things in my life never work out the way I want them to. I mean, what are the chances that I meet a guy online and we end up together?
He scares me.
I can see myself holding back. I wait to hear from him before I send him a message. I can see myself making the same mistakes I might have made with Mr. K.
And that scares me.
There’s potential here. After a month, I can see it. I’m just worried that I am going to ruin it. I’m going to keep being closed off and cold and will drive him away.
I don’t know how to be in a functioning healthy relationship. You know, one where you actually talk and pay attention to your partner. Where you want to have sex.
When we started talking, we had some text sex.
It was pretty hot.
I was concerned when he told me he had been single for six years, though. I mean, six years with no sex? That to me speaks with sexual dysfunction.
So we talked about it, by text message. It’s sometimes easier than in person.
He told me that his ex cheating on him did a number on his self-confidence, to which I can totally relate.
So he warned me that he may have ‘issues’ when it comes to intimacy. Let’s just say he can get ‘gun shy’.
In the month we’ve been together it’s only happened once. The second time we were together.
But we talked about it. And worked around it, if you get my meaning.
I understand that men have equipment issues at times. But he has always made sure that it was good for me, no matter what the activity.
We’ve made it work, and since then there have been no issues. In fact, things in that department are excellent.
And this is where I get scared. Again.
I’m scared that he will stay with me long enough to fix his confidence issues, and then realize everything – and everyone else – out there and will leave me to find someone better.
He’s never given me any indication that it will happen. In fact, on our third date, when we were driving around, we were talking about snowmobiling, and I said that I had never been on one before. Under his breath he muttered, ‘we’ll change that’.
So he has unofficial plans for the future.
I know this is all in my head. I know I am thinking about it too much. And that gets me into trouble.
I have fantasies that he will invite me to the cottage with him when he goes up. Part of me is hurt that he didn’t ask me to go with him yesterday.
Which I know is wrong. I KNOW it’s wrong. I know that he is entitled to spend time with his boys – and his family – without me.
I am not the center of his world. I know that. And I know that there is nothing wrong with him going to his brother’s cottage for a day or two.
But I can’t stop myself from wishing he’d asked me to join him. Not just because it’s so hot, but because of the significance of it.
Once again I am pushing things too far, too fast. Patience has never been my strong suit.
But I’m going to try. Because this relationship – if we are calling it that, I don’t even know – has potential.
And I am going to try really hard to just focus on the now, and not on the future. To live in the moment and see what develops.
Because I really want to see what develops.