You Do My Heart Good

Last night I was texting, as always, with Mr. J2.

I didn’t hear much from him as his daughter had a band concert, but when he could he would update me.

This is what we do.

At 6:55, just before the concert began, Mr. J2 texted me: “waiting… ILFKY”

(I Love Fucking Kissing You – it’s kind of our inside joke).

And it made me smile. It always does. I typed back, “GRIN. :)”… and then without missing a beat added on, “YDMHG”

And then I added, “And I am not sure I am going to tell you what that one is if you can’t figure it out.”

One second later a reply came back: “my heart too”

See, what I sent to him was, You Do My Heart Good.

And damned if he doesn’t.

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How Much is Too Much Information?

I like to think that I am an honest person.

If a cashier gives me back too many bills – and I notice – I will tell them and make it right.

I don’t stiff wait staff with tips.

And if you ask me a question, I’ll answer honestly.

Because that’s what I want for myself. If I ask if this dress looks good on me, I want an honest answer, even if the answer is ‘umm… no. Not at all.”

Now that things are progressing with Mr. J2, the ethical question for me is how much information about my past do I share with him?

He knows I was married and that the marriage ended about four years ago. He also knows that my divorce only became final in early October.

But what he doesn’t know is that…. was not my first marriage.

Or my first divorce.

Truth be told… it was my….

Third.

And I am profoundly ashamed of that.

But if he wants to truly get to know me – and I really think he does – then I need to be truthful with him about this.

The first time I got married, at 22, it was for companionship… and out of habit. We had been together for three years, since I was 19… and it was time. I did love him. We were great friends, had a lot of fun together with other friends… it was a good time in my life.

But after three years we realized that’s what we were… friends. And so we split up.

He married again two years later and just celebrated their 15th anniversary. We are still friends on Facebook.

Then, in 1999 I met my soul mate.

I never, ever believed in such a thing before. But I loved him with every fiber of my being. We connected so deeply. We loved all the same things – travel, music, theatre, Broadway musicals, movies…

We were the sickening couple.

A year after meeting we were married in a theater-themed ceremony.

On our fourth anniversary I asked him what we were celebrating, as we hadn’t had sex in three years.

He moved into the spare bedroom, and then six weeks later I came home from a camping trip with a girlfriend and discover a used condom in the trash.

I was devastated. Crushed. Destroyed.

But I picked myself up. I moved out. Got my own place. (Ironically, the same apartment that I moved to after marriage #1 broke up was available again… so I moved to the same unit.)

And six months later met husband #3.

And he was all wrong for me.

He was brash, he was brutish. He was angry. He was controlling.

There were moments when he was sweet and funny and caring. But they were few and far between.

We were not suited. And yet I pushed to get married.

Why? Because I needed to prove to myself that I was worthy. That I was worth someone’s love.

So we got married.

I sold my soul for a wedding ring (which I paid for myself).

He almost destroyed every part of me during our marriage. My soul, my heart.

He destroyed me emotionally. I closed off that happy part of me and was always unhappy. He took every joyous thing that happened to me and turned it so that I instead felt guilty about whatever happiness I had.

He destroyed me financially. I bought a house. We lived in it together, sharing bills. Then he was laid off and decided he didn’t want to work, and then started his own business. He racked up my cards with no thought for how we would pay it back. I sold the house just before I got into arrears with the mortgage.

At one point I had to call in sick to work on a Thursday because I had no gas in my car and no money in my account to pay for gas until I was paid at midnight.

Talk about rock bottom.

And after all that…after I lay in bed night after night crying because I was so unhappy… because I didn’t want the stigma of being divorced three times….

He cheated on me with a woman 13 years his junior. With whom he worked.

He can claim to his dying breath that he didn’t actually cheat, but I will never believe him.

Am I sad the marriage is over? No.

Of everything in my life, my only regret is that I actually married him.

But that’s on me. I did it for the wrong reasons. He was wrong for me. I was wrong for him. It was a bad situation all around. While I wish it had ended on a different note, even on my darkest days of depression, even if I will be single and miserable for the rest of my life… I still thank God that I am not with him anymore.

That, in a nutshell, is my adult relationship history. I’ve dated off and on for the past four years – which Mr. J2 knows about – and did have a two-year relationship during that time as well, that I recently ended in February. Then again been dating off and on since July – and my loyal readers have been with me for all those ups and downs.

So then the question remains… how much of my sordid past do I reveal to Mr. J2?

Does it matter? Or am I making too much of a big deal about it?

To not tell him feels like I’m being dishonest. Yet if I tell him, I run the risk of him thinking that I am flighty and loose with my feelings, and not worthy of his attention.

I haven’t said I love to you anyone since my third husband.

I haven’t been in love with anyone since my second husband.

(Yes, I know what that means.)

For the first time since my second husband, I have met someone who I could very easily fall in love with. I already see that connection. Yes, it sounds fast – I am not saying I am there yet, only that I can see it happening with Mr. J2.

But what if I can’t? What if my fear of the unknown and fear of being hurt prevents me from truly opening myself up to someone in the way that I haven’t in over 15 years?

Too many thoughts for a Tuesday. Maybe I’ll just concentrate on the fact that I am seeing him tonight after work for 15 minutes. He’s got his kids this week so we’re meeting for a hot chocolate before he heads home after work to be Dad.

Right now I am happy to see him, hug him and kiss him.

A good way to spend a Tuesday.

 

 

Progress

Things with Mr. J2 are progressing nicely.

I really like this guy.

And, miracle of miracles… he really likes me too.

I can’t believe it myself sometimes.

He actually WANTS to see me. To text me.

When he is going to be away from his phone for any length of time, he lets me know. So I don’t think he is ignoring me.

He really is a ‘nice guy’.

And… we solved the little problem he was having.

It took him a few times, but he was finally able to orgasm.

Let me tell you though… I have never known a man who stays hard as long as he does.

On Saturday night, we had sex two or three times. He didn’t have an orgasm, but I had two. And for an hour and a half, his dick stayed hard.

In the morning, we had sex two more times. And finally, we had a happy ending.

Is this it? Is this my happy ending?

He’s saying all the right things.

A few more samples from his recent texts:

“Great food, okay sleep and an awesome woman. I’m pretty simple”

“Okay so not to get carried away but maybe we figure something out for the holidays?”

“I’m trying to work here… and you are the best kind of distraction”

“Well you totally have my attention, incredibly so…”

“I’m still a simple boy… uncomplicated for the most part but you seem to bring something out of me :)”

“When I have passion for someone I never lose it”

“You had me with the blue panties” (I wore my sexy blue panties on our second date (skating), and he told me he liked them… because he saw them when I bent over. And I was embarrassed that he saw them.)

“You have my undivided attention for some reason :)”

“I fucking love kissing you” (this while we were making out on my couch on Friday night.)

“Even if I don’t talk a lot it’s important for the people closest to me to know how i feel because they can’t read my mind. I REALLY like you.”

‘Have to go but I’ll be thinking of you…”

“Maybe we need to take a few selfies on Saturday evening.. you know, some for us. And some to show people”

Seriously. He wants to take photos of us together to show people.

I dated a guy for two years and ended things with him in February. In the entire two years we were dating, we had a grand total of three photos of the two of us. When in vacation in the Turks and Caicos, when asked if he wanted to pose for a photo with me, he replied, “I’m okay”.

(That means no thanks, in case you didn’t get that)

And yet after just a few weeks, Mr J2 is already wanting photographic evidence of our union.

If he had a Facebook profile, he would change his status to ‘in a relationship’.

For the first time in a really, really long time – since 1999 – I have met a guy that wants the same things as I do. AND he wants to be with me.

And not because of what I can do for him.

But because of who I am.

 

 

What’s The Catch?

I’m seeing Mr. J2 again tonight.

It’s his last free night without the kids. He is coming over to my house for dinner after work.

He’s still saying sweet things to me that make me smile. I am such a teenager.

In texting last night he asked if he snored or made any noises while sleeping.

I told him that no, other than a couple of squeaks, (he has sinus issues, I could tell when we were kissing), he was pretty quiet.

I asked if I made any noise.

He responded: “I didn’t notice but I was too busy enjoying the view”.

He always sends me a text first thing in the morning. And always a good night text at the end of the day.

Let’s recap, shall we?

He’s cute – I obviously find him attractive or I wouldn’t have even met him. (Remember – Paul Rudd + Edward Burns = Mr. J2.)

He’s fit. He’s just shy of 6 feet tall, thin/athletic build. I won’t say that I think his hips are narrower than mine are… but it’s close.

He’s not overly hairy. He has no hair on his back and has hair on his chest. Not hairball-inducing amounts, but just enough to play with. (His arms and legs are hairy though… think Robin Williams’ hairy arms.)

He’s funny. We laugh so much when we are together. No matter the story, we each find a way to laugh together about it.

He’s optimistic and doesn’t focus on the negative. One of the things we like about each other is that we both usually find the good/positive side of things. (Yes, it’s cold and dark now in the mornings, but at least there is no snow in the ground!)

He is actively involved with his kids. (Yes, this could be a negative but I choose to see this as a positive. He talks about them a lot, but always in context with whatever topic we are currently discussing. It’s not incessant chatter, but valid or funny points.)

He’s sweet. As you have read snippets of our conversations, you have read his very simple and sweet compliments.

He’s tidy. His house was not immaculate; it had the trappings of a family that includes teenagers. Working delayed shift work means not much time for housecleaning but I found no fault with his place. Sure there were piles of books and kid stuff everywhere, but it was definitely cleaner than my place.

He cooks. He has to since he has his kids one week at a time.

He’s considerate. He offered for me to spend the night if I chose to, he even went so far as to ask what side of the bed I preferred to sleep on. I think if I had chosen ‘his’ side, he would have said that was fine with him. Also, I’ve noticed that when he has to be away from his phone for any length of time, he tells me.

He prefers the simpler things. So far our dates have been 1) dinner, 2) ice-skating and drinks, 3) dinner at his place and 4) dinner at my place (tonight). Very casual.

So after reading this list – and I’m sure I could add more to it – I have to ask myself (in my best Carrie Bradshaw voice)… what’s the catch? What’s his fault? Where is his downside? His bad habits?

Okay, so being in a very long marriage has left him with a very limited sexual catalogue.

I can work with that.

I know we’ve only been out three times, and have sent numerous emails and texts but really… where is the catch here?

Cause right now – I ain’t seeing it.

 

The Day After

I’m alive.

Exhausted… but alive.

I slept maybe a couple of hours in total last night.

IF I slept at all.

So my ass is dragging today… but I am not complaining.

It was a great night with Mr. J2.

Throughout the day yesterday, he sent me sweet little emails or text messages. He works driving a city bus so he doesn’t sit at a computer all day like I do, so the fact that he will take a few minutes during his short breaks to send me a quick email or a text means a lot to me.

Some samples from yesterday’s emails:

1st one: Not much time but 🙂

2nd one: Just ate and I’m going to try to get my beauty rest. Lol. Have a great afternoon. (He works a split with 4 hours between so he goes home to nap if he can)

3rd one: Can you feel the anticipation?  I’m a little nervous but good nervous. 🙂

That was the last email. He usually sends me text messages during his break around 4:30. He sent one yesterday but I was trying to nap. Along the same lines as the 3rd email.

I texted him when I left home to ask if I was forgetting anything. I was bringing marinated chicken (he was cooking it), some cocktails for myself, and CoolWhip for dessert (he took care of potatoes, salad and dessert).

His response: Just you.

All together now….. awwwwwwww.

I was incredibly nervous when I arrived at his place. I could barely look him in the eye.

My mind was racing and I was talking a mile a minute. Like a honeybee, I zipped from spot to spot, never staying in the same place for too long. At the sink… on the sofa…. at the window looking out…

I drank too much.

I talked too much.

I was embarrassed too much.

But it all worked out. We had a great dinner at the dining room table. We cleaned the dishes together – he washed, I dried. We talked after dinner while sitting on the couch. About anything and everything.

And we laughed.

Soon the night was getting away from us. Before we knew it, it was after ten – and we are both early to bed people.

We talked about past relationships, past dating experiences and horror stories. (His best one is dating a woman three times, two coffee and one drink date and on the third she told him she loved him. He said to me, ‘what do I say to that?’ (Um… thanks?)

Time was ticking down…. if we were going to do this, we had to get a move on.

I was sitting next to him on the couch, facing him. He had my legs on his lap, rubbing my legs from my knees to my hips.

He hadn’t even kissed me yet. Of course I was nervous.

So he basically pulled me into his lap and then leaned over and kissed me.

ZING!

Such soft lips. Hesitant tongue. Not sucking the life out of my tongue like Mr. K, but it was good. Sometimes I like a little more tonsil hockey, but it was really nice.

We did some heavy making out on the couch, and when we came up for air I suggested moving things upstairs. It was time. We had talked about it long enough, time for the talk to become reality.

I came out of the washroom (I drank a lot so I peed a lot) to find him waiting for me on the stairs leading up. He put his hand out to take mine.

I’m sorry, I have to say it yet again – he does these really sweet, simple gestures all the time. For some of you out there, I am sure this elicits an eye roll, but I find them charming.

We arrive at his bedroom with his king size bed. He asked me what side I normally sleep on. He also makes sure to tell me that this is a new mattress; in splitting up the house his ex bought a new bed for her place and they had to outfit rooms for the kids so he decided to get a new mattress all at the same time.

I chose my side and sat down. I asked for less light and more music.

He sat next to me and started kissing me again.

We continued making out. Clothing came off.

We laughed and giggled and talked the whole time.

Then he removed my panties. And touched me, very hesitantly.

Now we had talked about how I am not shy to make known what I want. So while he was being all gentle and timid I just wanted to shove his hand inside me.

So, I moved his hand down and did just that.

And he got the hint pretty quickly. And did a damn fine job of bringing me to O #1.

We made out some more, then he got up to get the condom.

Next time I will just tell him to throw it on the bed to have it handy.

As he was putting it on, he told me that he has problems achieving orgasm while wearing a condom.

And I didn’t tell him this, but this was not the first time a guy told me he’d had issues coming while wearing a condom. Mr. J2 was still quite able to perform, just not to finish.

I asked him what he wanted. What would please him.

And he couldn’t really answer me. He said, “up til now it’s been pretty vanilla.”

I got it. He married young, to his college sweetheart. He was with her for about 20 years all together. They’ve been separated for 18 months or so. He was clear on our first date that he had his ‘rebound girl, a friend’.

But I also see him as this genuinely nice guy. He’s not really into the dirty talk – I think he really enjoyed the teasing and talking we were doing throughout. The only thing he asked for was for me to get on top.

Like I said: vanilla.

While on top, I experimented a little by biting his earlobe, then his bottom lip as we were kissing, and he said, with a silly grin, “I really love kissing you”.

We kissed for a bit longer, then I looked down at him and said, “is this where I say I love you?”

He burst out laughing, knowing exactly that I was teasing him from what he told me while we were downstairs. That’s how we were together.

You know the scenes in Friends With Benefits where Jaime and Dylan are talking and goofing off all while having sex?

Yeah. That was us.

Was it hot?

Nope.

Was it fun?

You bet.

I worked my magic while on top but sadly, no O for Mr. J2.

He got up to pee and removed the condom. He didn’t ask to try again without one, and I really respect him for that. I am willing to bet that I am the second (maybe third) woman he has slept with since his marriage ended, so the chances he has an STI are likely slim.

We rolled to face each other belly to belly to kiss a little more. And cuddle. We stroked each other’s backs for a while. Then I noticed his leg twitching a bit, so I asked if he wanted to move to a different position.

“No, I’m okay’, he said, “it happens from time to time, sitting in my seat on the bus all day, my back gets wonky.”

Then I said the magic words, “Do you want a back massage?”

He was so shocked for a moment he was speechless, but then said yes. So I gave him one. A good 20-minute massage.

And I am damn good at massages.

Here’s the thing: he was incredibly grateful. I think he was just as surprised by my offer as when I offered to pay for dinner on our first date. I have a feeling that throughout his marriage he kind of blended into the background and was taken advantage of. He was out of work off and on (technology sector, need I say more) and so he pretty much raised his kids for the last nine years, mostly on his own between jobs while his wife worked. I feel that he may have felt emasculated, and has been so used to just going along with what others want that he has a really difficult time asking for or saying what he wants.

And he isn’t used to someone wanting to do something for him.

After his massage we cuddled a bit more, then we tried to sleep, but neither of us got much rest. In my case, he has a foam mattress which locks in the heat and makes me so warm. In his case, I think just having someone else in the bed was throwing him off.

At two, when I rolled over and he rubbed my arm, I apologized for keeping him awake and offered to go home if it would help him sleep.

He said he wanted me to stay, if I wanted to stay.

So I stayed.

We slept. (A little)

His alarm went off at 4:50 AM. He got up to go into the shower and told me that I could stay in bed but that he had to leave by 5:30.

I was getting dressed just as he opened the bathroom door. The bedroom was dark, the only light from the bathroom. I was sitting on the edge of the bed with my panties on, facing away from him, looking on the floor for my bra.

From behind me I hear, “that silhouette of yours will be in my head all day long.”

Seriously.

We finish getting ready. We meet on the downstairs landing, and sit on the step while our cars warm up.

He kisses me several times. He rubs my back (sadly through my coat).

I ask if he was going to be okay today, knowing he’s running low on sleep. I apologize again if my being in his bed kept him from sleeping.

He said, “it was the best night of not sleeping I’ve ever had.”

Seriously. Again, seriously.

One final kiss and we are out the door. I follow him in my car out of his neighbourhood then I turn off when I need to in order to go home. He waves, I wave as I pass him.

I received this email from him this morning: “i would like to thank you for your directions last night as it makes for a more enjoyable experience.  🙂  That is a weak point of mine but I’ll be working on it.”

Working on it with me, I wonder?

I like to hope so. While the sex itself was mediocre at best, the overall experience was better than my last few sessions. It somehow just seemed… right.

There’s been no talk of when we will get together next. I know his time is limited; he has two more free nights until his kids are back with him.

I’m pretty sure he’ll want to see me again. I want to see him again. But I have to keep myself in check to avoid falling into the same old routine of falling for someone too quickly, only to have my heart broken when it doesn’t work out.

What do I want? I want him to say he likes me, and that even though he has limited free time, on the weeks when he doesn’t have his kids, he would like to see me when he can.

Me, and only me.

I know that during the time he has his kids we will still email and chat.

And I can live with that.

I haven’t spoken with Mr. J since the night I ran into him last week when I was on a date with Mr. RJ and also saw Mr. J2; he hasn’t texted, I haven’t texted. Mr. RJ was sent packing. Mr. K had asked to get together this week but I knew I wanted to give priority to Mr. J2 so we haven’t been able to connect.

Nor am I inclined to, at this point.

There’s Mr. JO and Mr. R; both I have emailed and/or texted with, but both have stopped contacting me since the weekend. Perhaps they have moved on.

I don’t want to meet anyone else. I’d like to explore things with Mr. J2 and see where they go.

Because so far… I like where this is going.

A lot.

 

 

Tonight’s The Night

Tonight is my date with Mr. J2. Our third date.

Yes, I am nervous.

We talked a little last night via text, and he already invited me to stay the night if I choose; he leaves for work at 5:30 am so it would give me plenty of time to drive home and get myself ready for work.

When I didn’t hear from him for about half an hour last night, he texted to apologize and to tell me that his brother phoned, and he was busy talking to him.

Then he said he was going to call his other brother. He sent me a final goodnight text around 10:30 pm.

He texts me first thing in the morning every morning to say good morning and to give me a weather head’s up (another joke between us).

He texts me just before going to bed every night.

And he uses my name too. He will write, “Good night Anonymous, sleep well.”

He emails me during his split shift and asks how my day is going.

He texts me during his break during his second shift.

He texts me when he gets home and asks what I had for dinner. (The weeks he doesn’t have his kids; when he has his kids with him I usually only hear from him later in the evening when he is getting them ready for the night.)

Correct me if I am wrong, but this does not sound like a guy who just wants to get laid.

A guy who just wants sex is not going to tell a woman that she is welcome to spend the night.

A guy who just wants sex is not going to take the time each day to ask her how her day went. Or ask what she ate for dinner.

A guy who just wants sex is not going to ask a woman how she feels about male body hair. (I’ve seen his arms, I know they are very hairy. He sent me a full body pic (not naked) and it’s definitely not a problem for me. Just the right amount of hair vs. skin. And he did confirm that he does landscaping as well so that’s all I need to know.)

He is not a guy who just wants sex.

At least, I don’t think he just wants sex from me.

We’ll know more tonight.

I’ve planned my outfit. A tight tank top (over spectacular lingerie), a button down chambray shirt (undoing buttons adds to seduction I am thinking), with a belt at the waist to show my figure, over skinny camel pants to show off my curves. (And give him easy access to said lingerie – easier access than jeans.)

Simple. Casual.

Sexy, in a I’m-not-tying kind of way.

Wish me luck. Full deets coming tomorrow. Stay tuned.

 

 

Let’s Get It On

So date #3 is set with Mr. J2.

He’s cooking me dinner on Wednesday night.

And we’ll be doing some cooking together later that evening.

While it has not been said in so many words, it’s been discussed. We are going to have sex that night.

And for the first time in a long time, the thought of having sex with someone new intimidates me and makes me nervous.

Let me rephrase that: the thought of having sex with HIM intimidates me and makes me nervous.

Since I started dating again in July, I’ve had sex with five different men. (Mr. M, Mr. R, Mr. J, Mr. D, Mr, K. Three men I dated during that time did not make it to so much as first base, let alone all the way to home plate. I’m not desperate, just picky.)

Some I only slept with once, some more than once. Only Mr. J2 has made it to three times; even Mr. D, (for whom I canceled a first date with Mr. J2) has only been in my bed twice. (He will never be in it again.)

And at no time was I nervous or intimidated by any of those men. I looked forward to it with anticipation, I dressed in my best lingerie for the occasions (although sometimes it didn’t matter; my best pieces went unnoticed in some cases), I did the proper grooming, wore the best outfits.

I was confident. Brazen, even.

But Mr. J2 and I haven’t even kissed yet. On Saturday night we hugged goodbye, and that was it.

So how do we go from a hug goodbye to discussing sex? Then, to actually having sex?

He’s not overly complimentary – he doesn’t call me sexy. Or hot.

He’s more subtle.  Our talk on Sunday afternoon was a little racy, and towards the end he told me that he wanted to watch his son’s hockey game and ‘cool down a little’.

I told him, “I take that as a compliment.”

And he replied, “you should.”

So yes, the flirting is there. As is the zingy one-liners back and forth. He thinks I’m funny.

And dammit, I AM funny.

I am smart and witty and funny and sexy and generous and caring.

I like sex. I appreciate good sex. I am an enthusiastic and willing partner – with the right partner.

And he really might be the right partner… and that’s what scares me. It’s easy to flirt and have sex with someone new if you like them….

But for me, it’s different to flirt and have sex with someone I really like…. I feel more nervous, more pressure.

Because the stakes are higher. There is the possibility of my being hurt if I get too attached too quickly.

So I will go to dinner at his place tomorrow night. And I will wear my best lingerie. And I will do all the proper grooming. And I will dress to impress.

And I will have mind-blowing sex.

And it will NOT be awkward. It will be amazing.

And I will take it day by day. Mr. J2 is only kid-free for this week; starting Saturday he has his kids with him for the following week, so we won’t see each other.

So right now, I will take what I can get.

And trust me… I am gonna take.

As much as I can.