The Acknowledgement

Last night did not go well.

I went home after work. Folded laundry. Washed dishes. Prepared dinner.

Chatted with The Daughter.

Mr. J came home. We had leftovers for dinner. He was tired, we didn’t talk much while we were eating.

I asked him what his plans were for the evening, and asked if he wanted to take a walk.

He thought about it for a moment and said, “I should probably go to Costco to return X and to look at Y. You can stay here and work with The Daughter on her homework.”

Um, pardon?

I can “stay home and work with The Daughter?” As her father, isn’t helping with homework your job?

I was hurt and angry. I changed then went out for a walk. I kissed him goodbye and said ‘see you later’. No anger. Nothing.

I walked for about half an hour, thinking of the situation. As I round the corner to head home, I see Mr. J and The Daughter in the van at the corner. He tells me they ‘won’t be long’. I say, “I thought I was helping The Daughter while you went to Costco?” As he stuttered his response I said, “Oh, I guess I misunderstood.” And kept walking.

They returned an hour later. I was watching TV. And fuming.

After ten minutes Mr. J comes up and has The Daughter’s homework with him. (She was supposed to have two people edit her work and then present the original, the one with our edits, and the fixed copy to her teacher. So, essentially WE were teaching her.)

When The Daughter went to shower I asked him if he had any idea why I was mad.

(To be honest, I don’t think he had a clue that I even was mad.)

I told him that he made me feel like the hired help. I relayed the conversation about walking and his response. I asked, “how do you think that made me feel?”

“Well I was getting ready to go and The Daughter saw me…” he started, and so I finished, “and so she asked to go with you.”

“Of course she did. Even though you had told me I was to stay home and work with her.”

He replied, “I don’t remember the conversation going like that.”

Then he said that I mentioned (which I did) that he needed to get dress pants that fit him for the wedding on Saturday, and yes, I asked that he not wait until the last-minute to do so. (He’s a man, he would have gone out on Friday night after dropping the kids off at Mom’s at eight pm, only to not find anything that fits. Because he is a last-minute guy.)

In this brief discussion, I also said that I didn’t know what my role was. I said, “I’m always the last to know plans. I’m never in the loop. It’s fine for me to share your bills, cook, do dishes, do meal plans, and be on call to take your kids (which I apologized for saying because he doesn’t like that word, he prefers using their names, so I corrected myself) for tutoring sessions and to school for band concerts. We don’t share anything else but that. So right now you make me feel like the hired help.”

There was more I wanted to stay but at this point I had started to cry, which I do when I’m in a highly emotional state. I’m not sure if I was angry, frustrated or sad. But I was all three when he replied to my rant, “thank you for telling me how you feel.”

Wow. Seriously? Is that supposed to make me feel better?

But I know that’s how Mr. J communicates. He thinks that it’s all good, because he’s acknowledging my feelings. He’s not admitting to making me feel that way, be believes that I am the one making me feel that way. But he doesn’t realize that I feel the way I do because of his actions. Or in some cases, his in-actions.

The rest of the evening was strained, to say the least. At 9:30 I went to get ready for bed, per my usual routine. I was asleep when he finally made it to bed – well, I was well on my way to sleeping actually. Not quite there but not fully awake either.

Our morning texts have not been our usually cheeriness. He started by once again thanking me for telling him what’s been bothering me. And again, no discussion about it or thoughts on how to proceed.

The Daughter has a school concert tonight at seven. I’m really not sure that I should go. Do I want to go? Not really. I’ve had my fair share of school concerts this year and I’m pretty tired of them. It’s funny that a year ago I was upset because I wasn’t asked to attend her concerts, and now I don’t want to go. The last time we went to a school function, Mr. J barely spoke to me; while we were in line waiting to go in to get seats he stared at his wife and The Boyfriend the whole time (they were about six to ten people ahead of us in line). And last night, since The Son was at Mom’s doing homework with her, Mr. J thought it would be best if the Son just spent the night there since it was 9:30 and there was no word on when he would be home. He messaged Mom and she replied that it ‘would be easier to drop him off after’ rather than have him spend the night. Reading between the lines this means that she was either going to sleep at The Boyfriend’s house or he was going to be there. Either way, Mr. J made a comment about it, saying it was ‘interesting’.

Why? Why should it be ‘interesting’? Why do you still care? You have a woman you say you love, living with you, lying beside you every night. Having willing sex with you often. Helping you function as a family in ways that your wife never did. And yet it seems you do everything you can to NOT let her into your life.

Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe I am making things out to be much bigger than they really are. Are we going to talk about this again? Probably not. Simply acknowledging my feelings doesn’t make it better.

Working to change the situation might.

And I’m scared that’s not going to happen.

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It’s Been A Long Time

I’m doubtful that I have any followers left because I have been MIA for so long.

So for that, dear readers – I apologize.

In reality, I haven’t had the need to blog for a long time. Usually, my posts were about funny things that happened in my world of dating, but then I met Mr. J and things progressed to the point that I stopped dating – well, other men, that is.

We moved in together back in September and things have been going well for the most part. Mr. J and the kids and I seemed to get into a decent routine. I took on my share of household chores, especially in the kitchen and meal planning areas, which have given Mr. J a “better quality of life”. (His words)

We have had our ups and downs, as any couple would have. Kid issues, for the most part, have been few and far between, thank God. Definitely more issues with the Daughter but that’s normal, I think in any family.

But for the past few weeks, I’ve felt something I haven’t felt in a long time. The fatigue. The ambivalence.

The depression is back and has reared its ugly head.

And I can’t seem to shake it off.

Mr. J has asked if something is wrong, and I don’t know how to talk to him about it. Because the issue is with him this time, and I know I can’t change him. I can’t change the situation or make him do something he isn’t wanting to do and then that sets off the cycle.

I don’t know how to wrap by brain around it and talk to him about it in a way that is open and not accusatory or hurtful or full of blame.

Maybe if I come back to my way of writing it out, the solution – such as it is – will come to be.

But I know the bottom line is that I cannot change him. I am not a teenager, I know that you can’t change people – and you can’t change how they feel.

It started off a few months ago, after we had been living together for a few months. It happened so slowly I never really picked up on it – I was just happy and in love.

But then it occurred to me – Mr J is not fully engaged in our relationship.

We talked about it, and while he didn’t say yes or no to it, I know it to be true. He’s scared. While it’s all fun and games to live with someone, he is still holding out a part of himself from me, from our relationship. Deep down I think he is scared of being hurt like he was by his wife when she ended their marriage, so while he says he loves me – and I believe he does love me – he holds back just a part of that to protect himself.

A few months ago Mr J bought a new minivan. His first. Even though his kids are in their teens and will be out of the house in five years, he thought a bigger vehicle was necessary. And it was – with hockey equipment and with his family living out-of-town, it’s good to have a nice roomy vehicle for travel.

So I ‘bought’ his car from him. I sold my 2006 car and ditched my insurance. To save money on taxes, we agreed on a sale price for his vehicle and I am paying him monthly for the car but it is still registered to him. Since I no longer have a car in my name, I am now under his insurance as ‘other driver’ and will pay him for that.

This is all good. I get a newer, well-maintained car with really low payments and low interest (he calculated it at .99% which he got for his van). A much better deal than I would get anywhere else.

When he emailed the insurance agent she asked him what our relationship was.

He replied : “house mate”.

Swoon! Such a romantic.

And this began the issue. We had discussions, tears (on my part – and on his) and I was so hurt. I know I am not his wife. But I also know that he put me in his Will – he has left the house to me, and as well I am a potential guardian for his children as both of his brothers live out-of-town and the kids may want to stay where they are should something happen to their parents (this is only in the slight chance that Mom has passed as well obviously). It’s a moot point as it will never happen but the gesture was nice.

I know he was not being hurtful when he called me his ‘house mate’. His reasoning made sense at the time – but it just goes to add to the issue of his not being 100% committed to us and to our relationship.

He wanted us to sign a Cohabitation Agreement before we moved in together. To each protect our assets going in. Such as his house, his RRSPs, our pensions, etc. I know what splitting with his wife cost them both financially, so he wanted us each to be protected.

I totally agreed. I drafted it up. Got it ready for signatures.

And still it sits, in a folder on his desk, unsigned. Six months later.

So does that mean he thinks we will go the distance and therefore will never need to worry about dividing assets?

Or that he trusts that should something happen and we do break up, I won’t go after him for a share of the house?

Or, that we aren’t really in a serious relationship so why bother signing it?

After six months of living together I had hoped that we would be starting to build something together. We didn’t start off like most other couples; I moved into his space. He made some room for me and my meager possessions.

But we missed out on what I consider something important: the starting off new together.

We didn’t go house hunting together. We didn’t look at rentals and decide what we liked or didn’t like. We didn’t look to see where we could put furniture or buy new dishes or decide what colour to pain the walls. There is nothing of mine in the house – at least nothing more than a couple of end tables.

Six months later nothing in his house has changed, except he lost some space in his closet.

I’ve mentioned how I hate his downstairs sofa set and he agreed it was time to look for a new one to replace the one that was upstairs before the wife left. We talked about what we like, what we don’t like in furniture… and he said we should go out and shop for something.

That was over a month ago and we have yet to hit a furniture store.

We went to his niece’s Confirmation on Sunday in his hometown. I helped him pick out a cross pendant that was a lovely gift. I offered to pay part of the cost.

He said as Godfather, it was his responsibility to pay for a gift.

His daughter has asked both parents for some pretty expensive birthday gifts (her birthday is at the end on June). I offered to split on one of them with Mr. J.

He declined, saying it was within his budget to get that gift for her.

Is he being nice? Is he wanting to shield me from spending money on his family? I don’t know, because all I see is he is doing everything he can to keep me separate when it counts. Does that make sense?

I pay half the mortgage, and half of the utilities, even though every second week there are three of him (him and two kids) and one of me. I buy groceries on the week when it’s just us, he buys them when the kids are there.

When we tally up the bills at the end of the month, he tells me how much I owe him. I write him a check. And this is all done at the same time that he tallies up the expenses with his wife.  Then they figure out who owes what and transfers into their joint account.

We don’t share anything financial. Not a  credit card, not even a tiny free savings account for household stuff. We don’t discuss money, unless it’s him telling me how much I owe him for the month.

But then we are just housemates, right? Housemates don’t share things like that. I’ve already been thinking about next year, come tax time. Because of the way it works we might have to file our taxes together and that might affect us negatively. Unless of course he claims me as a renter and claims the rent I have been paying him. I’m not on any bills and so there really is nothing to say that I am NOT just a renter.

And at times, that’s exactly how I feel. It’s just another way to keep our relationship from being ‘real’.

But the biggest issue for me right now, the one that I cannot talk to him about and that has been stressing and upsetting me for weeks, is the fact that he and his wife are still married.

They have, on paper, been separated since Dec 31, 2014. Physically since July 2015. I have been living with him for six months; we are pretty sure the wife bought a house with her boyfriend, but we have not had confirmation of this. (We heard in January that the boyfriend had bought a house in the suburb where we live. Conveniently just a few blocks from us and still within walking distance of the school. He moved in April, and we assume she will move with the kids in July, but we are just speculating at this point.)

If Mr. J was so happy living with me… would he not want to file for divorce and officially end his marriage to his wife?

And you can see how I cannot bring that up to him. It’s not because I want to marry him – that isn’t the issue here. The issue is why he still wants to stay married to her.

And sadly, I know what he would say if I was to bring this up to him. He would say something to the effect of: “well, she wanted to leave so if she wants a divorce, she can ask for it.”

Sure. Makes sense. Until you realize that what you are in fact NOT saying is that if she wants the divorce she can ask for it but I don’t want it so I’m happy to leave it as is.

Which means he is happy still being married to her. He doesn’t want to be divorced and have that label attached. Regardless of the fact that he is in a happy relationship (at least I hope it’s happy), being divorced is a label he’s probably not anxious to wear.

And so he remains married. Likely until such time as the wife decides to end it. Because if it’s one thing I’ve seen in the past 18 months, he is content to let his wife make the decisions and he just deals with the results. But again this is just my observation.

But all these little factors, together, are constantly going around and around in my head. If he really loved me and wanted to be with me, he’d file for divorce, right? He’s pushing me away and avoiding anything that we would do together – buying furniture, paying for gifts together… but yet is content to be married to one woman and living with another. Which technically makes me a mistress.

What really capped it off was summer vacation time. He is extremely limited in his options for time off in the summer and I respect that. I however am forced to take a certain week off that this year does not coincide with his time with his children.

I had been asking him about the days he planned to take – if any – and he told me he had already booked them off. But he didn’t let me know when they were.

He said he did tell me but my memory is like a steel trap. However I gave him the benefit of the doubt in this. He says he did – fine. It doesn’t matter. So he confirmed the days he requested are in the week before my forced holiday, during the week he has his children.

An obvious, and good choice. When we were discussing it I said I would have to request the time off. And he said he wanted me to take the time off but ‘didn’t want to assume (or presume, I can’t remember which) and that he has to communicate better with me’.

My first thought is: why would he presume (or assume) that I would NOT take the same vacation time as him? Isn’t that what couples do? And then I wonder, what would he have presumed if his wife was still living with him? Would it not be presumed that she would take that time as well for them to spend it as a family?

We also talked briefly about taking a vacation together in the fall, when it’s easier for him to get time off. He also mentioned that he might consider it being just the two of us, actually going away together. We talked about taking a road trip to North Carolina, which I would be all for.

However I am highly doubtful that he would take that time and not spend it with his kids, whom he sees only half time now, by no choice of his own. So how can he in good conscience take a week away when he could potentially be spending it with them, seeing them before and after school each day?

But also then the issue of communication comes in – on the weeks when he does not have his kids, he sends them messages every few days, to let them know he is thinking about them. They usually go without a response, but he’s okay with that.

And so if we go on vacation, away for a week or so together, can he go that long without communicating with his wife, who finds reasons several times a day to message him about what I think are totally non-essential issues. If we go on vacation, I would really appreciate it if his time would be focused on me, and on us, and what we are seeing/doing, and not having to stop every five minutes so he can check his texts from her. We were shopping last week for the Confirmation gift and she kept messaging him while we were out, and he made a point to stop every time and check every one. His response to it was, ‘I should make sure that it’s not important in case one of the kids was bitten by a dog.” I responded, “if that were to happen again, I’m pretty sure she would call you – which is what she did when it happened and she was already on the way to the emergency room.” (True story.)

But it doesn’t matter. She messages him – he jumps to check it. It’s like a Pavlovian response. And I know I have no control over it. I cannot control what – or how frequently – she messages him, just as I cannot control him jumping to check and respond. But if we are on vacation, away from home and away from normal life I would hope that he could set all that down and just focus on us – but I really am not convinced he is ready for that, the same as he is not ready to be divorced.

He said to me last week that I improved his life – or some such thing. I took a moment and then asked how. How did I improve his life?

His response was that he now had a ‘better quality of life’ with me in it. That because I took over some of the household chores like cooking and meal planning, it gives him more time with his children and less stress on his life.

So, essentially, by being a cook, I improved his life. Wow. #relationshipgoals right there. (I’m being sarcastic). But you can see my point: instead of saying that he loves spending time with me, or that he laughs more with me or any other way he could actually compliment ME, he instead chose to say that it’s because of something that anyone he could hire could do just as well.

Nice.

Just one more way that we seem to have this divide between us, and I don’t know what to do about it – or how to bring this up since it’s quite a large issue, and one very close and personal for him.

I’ve written, edited, re-edited this thing a bazillion times (true story) and I know I am still leaving little points out. But the bottom line is that after two-plus hours of writing, and re-writing, I am still no closer to having an idea of how to figure this out, or how to move forward.

Or am I just making the proverbial mountain out of a molehill?

Maybe I should just pull up my big girl panties and just suck it up already.

 

 

The Meet

It finally happened.

The stress and worry about meeting The Ex is over.

It took place on Sunday afternoon at The Boy’s last hockey game. The Ex had missed the game the previous day, but she was going to attend this one.

Mr. J2 asked if I was okay with that, and hoped I would still attend if The Ex did.

I told him of course I would go, as I had planned to attend both games, regardless of what The Ex was doing.

It all went off smoothly – to a point.

You see… The Ex also brought The Boyfriend with her.

So Mr. J2 finally got to meet The Boyfriend that’s been spending time with his children since August of last year.

About fucking time, in my opinion.

The Daughter was there in the middle of the four of us, commenting about how it was ‘awkward’. But I reassured her that it wasn’t. We were all adults, after all.

But the meet did not go off without some game-playing, from a surprising source.

The Ex moved into shake my hand, I did the same to her. “Hi”. “Hi.”

There. Done. We met. We smiled. We played nice.

Then The Boyfriend turned to shake my hand.

And said, “hi, I’m The Boyfriend. And, sorry, you are…?”

Seriously? Are you fucking kidding me?

As if I think for a second you don’t know my name.

But whatever. I can be mature.

I told him my name, kept the smile on my face.

And smirked back when Mr. J2 smirked at me a moment later – he had heard the exchange as well.

Insert eye roll.

Once we went in to watch the game (with a nice buffer of 5-6 rows of seats between us), I looked over to Mr. J2 to ask him how he was doing. I mean, this is the guy that his wife left him for – I’m sure it wasn’t the only reason she left but I am willing to bet that it was a huge factor.

And he turned to me and said, “I feel like a million bucks.”

Because that’s the kind of guy he is. He wanted everyone to meet to get it over with, so that it’s done. The Ex and I are not going to have any more of a relationship than we need to have; we’re not going out for drinks on Girl’s Night or anything.

The only reason for that is because I don’t trust her.

I’ve said all along that while SHE may not want to be with Mr. J2, I think she also doesn’t want anyone else to be with him, either. Even if it might make her feel a little less guilty to see him happy, her control issues  – and her need to be the center of attention (in my opinion), will prevent us from being friends. Friendly, yes. Obviously, as the kids are part of everyone’s lives now.

But friends?

Not. Going. To. Happen.

So after the game (the boys lost, but still a good game), Mr. J2 wanted to go to the locker room to say goodbye to the other players and coaches as it was the final game of the season. I told him I would take The Daughter home with me.

The Ex asked if he had ‘time to talk’.

He didn’t go into all the details with me, but she essentially told him that she ‘doesn’t like all the animosity between them’ and ended up in tears at one point.

What. The. Fuck.

Seriously. What animosity? We all shook hands. We all smiled. We were pleasant as can be.

Does she want us to all sit together and watch the game? To share a drink?

Seriously.

Mr. J2 has talked about how The Ex wants to remain friends with him; and I’ve commented on it here and there. I understand her point; they were together almost 20 years; he probably knows her better than she knows herself.

I would also have a real difficult time letting go of him. But then, I wouldn’t be so stupid as to leave him in the first place.

But that’s just me, coming from my almost-six-month bliss of being with him.

Mr. J2 is one more person to listen to her. One more person to hear how badly she is doing; to hear how often she ‘struggles’. Or… whatever else she feels the need to share with him to gain sympathy.

Perhaps The Boyfriend is not as sympathetic as Mr. J2 was?

Personally, I think it’s her guilt from hurting him. She likes the power of control – knowing that he had a real difficult time after she left him makes her feel, on some level, good. I’ve always said that I think she likes knowing he was pining for her in some small way.

So by telling him how badly she is doing (even though I have seen the opposite at times on her Facebook page), she hopes Mr. J2 will sympathize with her and not make her feel like the bad guy.

To quote another favourite movie:

Just feel guilty.  Swim in it.  Till your fingers get all pruny.

-Kate, from French Kiss

The Ex can feel guilty all she wants. Because the more she tries to gain sympathy, the more it is going to backfire for her.

You want sympathy? Go to The Boyfriend.

That’s his job now.

He knew what he was getting into all those months before you left your husband, so he should be your first call when you are sad, bored, lonely, tired, angry, and yes, happy.

Let Mr. J2 enjoy his happiness with me. For the first time in a hell of a long time, his life doesn’t revolve around you and how you feel, and what he can do for you.

His life now revolves around HIM, and how HE feels. And what HE can do to continue to feel good about himself,  his life and his kids.

About fucking time.

 

A No-Brainer

I took this weekend away with a girlfriend for some shopping at the outlets.

Come on… who doesn’t like to find a great deal?

I didn’t buy a lot on this trip. A new winter coat, a pair of shoes, a party dress.

Two sets of unmentionables that will rock a lucky guy’s world.

My friend was anxious to hear about the men and the dates I’ve been going on as she has been with the same man for almost 20 years now. Married for about 15, and has two kids. She never really did the dating thing, she saw a few people then met the man she would end up marrying. So of course my friend wanted to hear all the details about my recent dates.

I did not disappoint her.

The most amazing thing though, for me, was the number of text messages I received as I was driving to pick up my friend. Between 4:30 and 5:00 pm, my phone was literally blowing up – that had previously occurred only when turning my phone on after work and it then received all the Facebook messages that had come in while it was off.

But this? This was new.

Mr. J2 sent a sweet message wishing me a good weekend and safe drive. It was his weekend with his kids so I figured I wouldn’t hear from him all weekend. I didn’t until I texted him on Sunday evening after I returned home.

Mr. K. also had his children this weekend. He is a night owl, so his messages were later in the evening. A little more flirty, and a little more dirty, but only because we had sex last week so I feel they was appropriate.

Mr. RJ though… he was consistent all weekend, even though he also had his kids for the weekend. (What am I going to do if they all want dates next weekend when they are kid-free? Oy.) He was happily chatting the whole weekend, even when I had my friend respond to his message because I was driving. He was pleasant, and even though I had suggested that I was shopping for… intimate items, he never pushed or made an issue of wanting to know more. All he wanted was for me to confirm a time for our second date. (Tomorrow, Tuesday. Same place as last week.) This will be date two with Mr. RJ, make or break time. I am still on the fence about him. He’s very complimentary; in a few messages he gushed about how sweet I am, how nice I am. Once again, here I am, going out on a date with a man who is obviously interested, but not overly sexualizing me. Yet, his compliments and nice talk make me want to push him away. What is wrong with that? I think this is the only reason I am shying away from him.

We’ll see on Tuesday.

Then there is Mr. RG. We’ve been sending tons of messages through the dating system but only moved to actual email on Friday. He knows how to write well, responds to all the points I make in messages, and asks me good questions. He too could be a potential. Seriously. Time to hide the profiles because I cannot keep up!

In other events, Mr. R from Montreal is beginning to show his jealousy I think. He knows I am dating and we talk about it from time to time. Next week he was supposed to be in town for some training but that has since been cancelled. Last night we talked about him coming up anyway on Saturday night to spend the night with me and part of Sunday. I am not available during the day on Saturday as I will be visiting my mother but will be home by 6:30 – 7:00 at the latest.

For the first time he made it clear that he wanted us to sleep together. Usually we use the friendship veil; we just hang out as friends, and then if we happen to have sex, so be it. The last time he was in town, he was here for three days and we only had sex the last night he was here, but that was because at the time I was seeing Mr. M and I had ended things with him the day before Mr. R left town. I didn’t want to cheat on Mr. M so it was only after things ended that I slept with Mr. R.

Can you follow? It’s confusing, I know.

I agreed to see him this weekend, and to have him spend the night. Again, it was the first time he even hinted at wanting us to have sex. Seriously. Previously he’s always spoken about it casually, hinted at it but never actually said the words. This time, he did.

As far as I know, he is not single. Or is he?

I am so confused.

Last night, as I lay in bed going over everything in my head, I had 80% decided to cancel plans with Mr. R for Saturday and Sunday. I like him. I like having sex with him – we have an incredibly sexual connection. We have an incredible friendship connection.

But he just isn’t available to me for anything more than that. And each time we see each other… a little piece of my heart breaks off when he leaves. I can’t let myself become attached to him again as I did during the summer. I can’t allow myself to have feelings for him that aren’t reciprocated.

I cannot be his mistress.

If he is coming to town for work, and we have dinner and catch up – that is one thing.

But this time he is coming up just to see me. And that changes the game.

Should I meet him and give up my weekend to have incredible sex with a man who isn’t emotionally available to me, or cancel plans and leave the weekend open to perhaps go out with someone who does potentially want (and is available for) a relationship?

He’s not even committing to the weekend; he’s working on his cottage and has told me that he will let me know by Thursday whether or not he will be able to come up.

I mean, if he really wanted to see me… wouldn’t he just say, “I will definitely be there on Saturday”?

If every other man can make definite plans… what can’t Mr R?

Time to rethink this situation for sure. I should spend my time with men who want to make plans with me and not leave things in the air until the last-minute.

Right?

 

Suspicious Minds

(Two posts in one day… a new record!)

Why is it that when a man seems truly interested in me – wanting to kiss me and touch me and just hold me – that my first instinct is to run away?

And yet when a man treats me like a sex object – like the other guy I had sex with last week who tells me how hot and sexy I am – I am more likely to go for him?

I met Mr. J first. On the second date I had sex with him. And he was good. And it was hot, dirty sex. He kept asking me to spend the night but I had to work the next day so I did the drive of shame around 10 pm.

Then I met with Mr. D. He has said all the right things… calls me beautiful, tells me he misses me, says that I have a big heart… all the things women want to hear.

We’ve had a few make out sessions but he hasn’t even gotten to first base yet. (That may change on Saturday.)

Mr. D could have potential to go the distance. But as always in my life, there are hurdles. The big one being he still shares a house with his ex.

I KNOW! (Thank you Monica)

He says they broke up a year ago and she is only there two nights a week and lives in her own house out-of-town the rest of the time.

So of course, after listening to him tell me he misses me, how he wants to be with me… all I can do is be suspicious.

He’s playing me.

He’s using me.

He’s just trying to get out of his current situation and into another one.

Yet it’s pretty obvious that Mr. J wants sex from me. He was suggesting it the first night we met.

And yet the following night we were rolling around the sheets together.

Yet Mr. D., who has been sweet and kind to me, hasn’t yet made it to first base.

What’s wrong with me? It’s like here’s a nice guy (or so he seems). He’s interested. He’s funny. While he’s not going to be on the cover of GQ, he isn’t ugly, or I wouldn’t have responded to his messages. He’s a big boy, tall and broad and big all over – but thankfully without the uglyman beer belly. Just… tall and wide. Full head of hair, beard that is just shy of hitting lumberjack (of which I am hoping to convince him to trim, although it does suit him.)

Mr. J is short – my height, a little puffy around the neck, face and middle. (Likely from having a kidney transplant last year.) Bald as well – and my only issue with that is he reminds me too much of my ex husband.

So why then am I willing to jump into the sack quickly with Mr. J, while not even showing an inch of skin to Mr. D., who has been patient and kind and nice to me?

Why am I so suspicious of a man’s motives when he shows me any kind of positive attention?

Because I feel that I am not worthy of anyone’s love.

Because it’s easier to have fun with the Mr. J’s of the world and then move on, rather than become attached to the Mr. D’s of the world and get hurt when it ends.

Because it always ends.

Always.

Feel It Again

It’s Saturday night. I’m spending the weekend alone.

Again.

I know it shouldn’t bother me that Mr. M. is at his brother’s cottage for the weekend.

I know.

But it still does.

I’m a shallow, petty human for feeling this way.

He told me earlier this week that he was going for a couple of days to help bring stuff back and close things up for the season. I had warning.

And he told me yesterday, when date-night got changed (more on that later), that it was his brother’s birthday, and that his sister-in-law was doing something up there to celebrate.

And he also told me that her parents (it’s her family’s cottages) would be there as well, probably the last time this season.

So I understand why he wouldn’t think to ask me to come. It’s not his cottage, nor his brother’s. It’s his sister-in-law’s family’s cottages.

He’s welcome to go up anytime, and does.

And yet even knowing that having such a full house may not be the ideal situation for me to be introduced, it still bothers me.

Which I know is wrong. And why I write about it here, where I hope I realize how stupid I am being.

But it brings up doubts and insecurities.

Which I know is wrong.

I know that he isn’t doing it on purpose. Meaning, he isn’t trying to hide me.

Or is he?

We were supposed to have a date on Friday night. Since he was going to be out-of-town, I asked if we could have a sleepover. A movie night, I’d cook dinner. Just a relaxing evening.

So he agreed Friday night was the best since he would be at the cottage likely Saturday and Sunday nights.

I didn’t hear from him all day on Friday, until he texted me at 6:30 to say he was finishing up and the gym and did I still want to get together?

Duh. (Implied). Of course I replied that I wanted to get together.

So he wrote back that he would head to my place and then we would decide from there.

Hmm…. not exactly dinner and a movie. I figured he had something else in mind so I played along.

He arrived at my place around 7pm; changed his clothes, then we headed out.

Following the same pattern as last week, we drove around for a while before settling on a restaurant for dinner.

When we arrived, he mentioned in conversation that he was waiting for his youngest son to text him; apparently he was going to be near Mr. M.’s house partying with friends, and wanted to know if he could crash there for the night.

This, I realized, is why our plan changed.

Now I am not so selfish a person that I wouldn’t understand the situation, had he actually mentioned it to me directly. Had he said, ‘sorry but there’s a change in plans, Kid2 wants to come spend the night after being with friends. Rain-check on sleepover?’

I would totally have accepted that. I realize that his kids come first – and his kids never spend the night at his place (aged 23, 19) so of course that would have been – and was – okay with me.

He wasn’t dishonest. He didn’t lie to me. He didn’t omit anything. But it’s just… not sitting right with me.

For no reason.

It’s not like we had a SET plan: I would show up at his place with a cooked dinner and movies at 7pm. We kind of left it casual.

So yeah, there is really nothing to be upset, worried, concerned about.

Right?

Especially given that I had seen him the night before, as well as on Monday.

Monday was his gym night and he texted me after to say that he felt like going for shawarma, and so he picked me up then we went to his favorite place and shared a chicken platter.

Then on Thursday, he drove his motorcycle over, I fed him dinner and we chatted for a bit. And then after we went in my room and ended up fooling around a little.

He did something to me that made me have such reaction that I broke down in tears.

The good kind of tears; not bad ones. My body was just overwhelmed – sensory overload – and it responded.

By breaking out in tears. Nice. There’s a sexy move right there.

So even after that experience – which was something I had only seen happen to women in porn movies – I still have my doubts.

Still.

All because he is spending the weekend with his family.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I mean, really?

We’ve been dating for a little less than 2 months. In fact it was 8 weeks ago yesterday when we first ‘connected’.

And what a connection. We have really good sexual chemistry, but we can also talk a lot about music and current affairs, and books and …. everything. We talk about our pasts, our families, parents, and things that happened to us in previous relationships.

We even talked yesterday about my writing this blog. We talked about how his youngest has anxiety issues, and a little about what he has gone through. I also talked to him about my issues with depression and how this blog helps me by making me see when my behavior needs to change or needs adjusting.

Like right now.

So that is what I am doing; writing now, at 9:30 on a Saturday night so that I can see exactly what’s going on with me. That I worry unnecessarily. And that instead of worrying and stressing about why I haven’t met any of Mr. M.’s friends or family, I should instead think about what he did to me on Thursday night… and look forward to when we will get together next so he can try to make my body do it again.

IF my body can handle it, that is.

So what if he didn’t stay over that night. Or the other few times we had sexy time.

In the last couple weeks we’ve seen each other about three times in the course of a week.

And only had sexy time twice, so…. it’s more than just that.

So I need to relax. Be patient. And when my insecurities rear their ugly heads, I need to  come back and read this blog and all will be good.

Because it will be good.

I’ve no reason to believe it won’t.

Confusion is Nothing New

Apologies to Cyndi Lauper.

Last night I met up with Mr. R again, this time in my city. He is here teaching his course today and tomorrow, so he came into town yesterday afternoon to set up his equipment at the training facility and to hang out with me. I took the afternoon off work and we had lunch, did some sightseeing and then hung out together for the rest of the day.

And I am so confused.

This time he didn’t mention the fact that he is unavailable. But, everything was PG. Well, okay, a few times in discussion we may have crossed the line into R-rated conversation, but there was no hanky. No panky.

Not even a kiss goodbye other than on the cheek.

He’s interested in more than friendship, of that I am pretty sure. After our lunch and walk downtown we stopped to buy some drinks and go back to the hotel room to hang out, since the weather had turned and thunderstorms were happening.

We chatted and then as I sat in a chair he wheeled the office chair over and picked up my foot, and proceeded to give me a mind numbing foot rub.

Oh yes. It was that good.

It’s been so long since I’ve had human contact that way. That simple, mindless foot rub while talking and drinking.

Oh how I missed it.

From there we moved to the couch where he gave me a full back massage – fully clothed, I must add.

I repeat: there was no hanky panky of any kind.

But it was intimate, I won’t deny, sitting in the crook of his legs as he rubbed my back, commenting on how I have such a tiny waist, lovely shoulders.

He was definitely full of compliments.

Especially when he would not stop biting my neck, which is a thing of his.

(And I won’t say what his biting my neck physically did to me)

Do men compliment women like that if they just want to be friends with them?

The more I think about it, the more certain I am that he never said he was unavailable. He didn’t repeat anything about our ‘timing not being quite right’.

As I was almost falling asleep from the drinks and the massage, we decided to go for a swim. So on went the swimsuits and we headed down to the pool….

…which was filled to the brim with 10-year old kids in town on a school trip.

So instead we went into the sauna for a few minutes – as long as I could stand, and then we headed back upstairs.

This time I was my turn to massage him.

He was fully complementary and appreciated my efforts. We sat in silence as I massaged his shoulders, back, arms.

And no hanky panky.

Then finally at 10 pm he apologized but said he had to kick me out so he could do some work and then go to bed at a decent hour.

So I thanked him for the day, gave him a hug, he kissed my cheeks and gave me a big hug in return, and then I left.

Maybe I am just so used to the fast-paced world we live in where people jump into bed so quickly that I have forgotten the lost art of dating?

Is that what he is doing? If I had not swiped the lunch bill he would have paid, as he has paid for all the meals when we’ve been together.

But yet when I suggest we meet in a city next weekend when he is travelling to do some sightseeing together, he changes the subject. Even if I we each took our own rooms that would be fine. I just like spending time together, and I think it would be nice to explore this little town together.

Yet so far, he is not agreeing to it, or to when we may see each other again. It’s almost like he has to justify the reason we see each other. The previous two times I was going to his city for valid reasons; now he is here on business. If this keeps up, I might not see him for another few months.

I don’t want to wait that long but also don’t want to seem desperate. I am trying to keep the friendship level because I don’t know what is going on with us. I mean, if this is how he treats his friends, how must be treat his girlfriends?

I just want a definition. Just say, “I am single now, and interested in dating you but I want to take things slow. Does that work for you?”

I mean, really – is that too much to ask?