Suspicious Minds

(Two posts in one day… a new record!)

Why is it that when a man seems truly interested in me – wanting to kiss me and touch me and just hold me – that my first instinct is to run away?

And yet when a man treats me like a sex object – like the other guy I had sex with last week who tells me how hot and sexy I am – I am more likely to go for him?

I met Mr. J first. On the second date I had sex with him. And he was good. And it was hot, dirty sex. He kept asking me to spend the night but I had to work the next day so I did the drive of shame around 10 pm.

Then I met with Mr. D. He has said all the right things… calls me beautiful, tells me he misses me, says that I have a big heart… all the things women want to hear.

We’ve had a few make out sessions but he hasn’t even gotten to first base yet. (That may change on Saturday.)

Mr. D could have potential to go the distance. But as always in my life, there are hurdles. The big one being he still shares a house with his ex.

I KNOW! (Thank you Monica)

He says they broke up a year ago and she is only there two nights a week and lives in her own house out-of-town the rest of the time.

So of course, after listening to him tell me he misses me, how he wants to be with me… all I can do is be suspicious.

He’s playing me.

He’s using me.

He’s just trying to get out of his current situation and into another one.

Yet it’s pretty obvious that Mr. J wants sex from me. He was suggesting it the first night we met.

And yet the following night we were rolling around the sheets together.

Yet Mr. D., who has been sweet and kind to me, hasn’t yet made it to first base.

What’s wrong with me? It’s like here’s a nice guy (or so he seems). He’s interested. He’s funny. While he’s not going to be on the cover of GQ, he isn’t ugly, or I wouldn’t have responded to his messages. He’s a big boy, tall and broad and big all over – but thankfully without the uglyman beer belly. Just… tall and wide. Full head of hair, beard that is just shy of hitting lumberjack (of which I am hoping to convince him to trim, although it does suit him.)

Mr. J is short – my height, a little puffy around the neck, face and middle. (Likely from having a kidney transplant last year.) Bald as well – and my only issue with that is he reminds me too much of my ex husband.

So why then am I willing to jump into the sack quickly with Mr. J, while not even showing an inch of skin to Mr. D., who has been patient and kind and nice to me?

Why am I so suspicious of a man’s motives when he shows me any kind of positive attention?

Because I feel that I am not worthy of anyone’s love.

Because it’s easier to have fun with the Mr. J’s of the world and then move on, rather than become attached to the Mr. D’s of the world and get hurt when it ends.

Because it always ends.

Always.

Back To Life… Back To Reality

Well, I am back. Did anyone miss me?

I am back from my 11 day trip to Europe. It was a fantastic trip, and I am already thinking about my next adventure! The hotels were amazing, the food was delicious, the sights were incredible.

Now, back to life. Back to reality.

In reality, my life is good. I really can’t complain. I am back on the ‘fishing’ site, and I’ve been talking with a few men. Met one of them, went out twice so far. A couple of others are interesting, hopefully we’ll meet in the next week so I can see how it goes.

I am not rushing into anything. I can’t. That little piece of my heart that opened up with Mr. M has slammed back inside. I can’t afford to get too attached to one man, only to have it all end unexpectedly after a month… or two… or three.

I’m still scratching my head over why things ended with Mr. M. I won’t lie – some nights I lie in bed thinking about him as I fall asleep, wondering if he’s missing me, and realizing how well suited we were for each other.

Would I take him back if he asked? I am not sure.

It’s not likely to happen, so I am not going to think too much about it – that only leads to disappointment.

The curious thing about all of this is that now I am available, and Mr. R is still not. Even though he was really close to ending things when I was dating Mr. M. We’ve been talking (and flirting, and sexting) since February. That’s 8 months. And I was only dating someone for 2 months during that time. So for all the time we have known each other, he has done nothing to make himself available. So no matter how much we may click… it’s never going to happen. And although I slept with him again in September after Mr. M and I broke up (which I conveniently forgot to blog about), I am not putting myself in the position I was in June. I’m not putting my life on hold waiting for him to get off his ass and make a decision. I’m seeing other people. Dating other people. Sleeping with other people.

Maybe, one day, falling in love with one someone.

Love is the one thing that scares me the most. I was halfway there with Mr. R until I realized he was never going to be with me. Like Carrie Fisher’s character Marie in ‘When Harry Met Sally’ – she realized that as his mistress, her lover was never going to leave his wife.

“Marie… NO one thinks he is ever going to leave his wife”

“You’re right… you’re right…. I know you’re right.”

So I move on. If I happen to see Mr. R in town in a few weeks when my roommate is away… so be it.

But I will be – no, I AM being – more careful with my heart this time. I’m not attaching myself to one guy.

So we’ll see how this new reality goes.

But I leave you with this gorgeous photo. Here’s to new adventures in dating!

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Single Again

Well. That was a shocker.

Yep. I am now single. And not by choice.

For two weeks, it seemed that Mr. M. was keeping his distance. His messages and emails seemed a little distant. He made no effort to get together.

My Spidey-senses were tingling… and when they tingle, I listen.

So after not seeing him for 10 days, I texted him and asked if he was okay.

His reply took awhile coming but was as follows:

“I know I’ve been keeping a little more to myself lately in general. Not sure why that is. Maybe things started out really fast and it’s catching up with me a little.”

Okay, what the fuck does that mean? Honestly?

So I replied:

“That’s fair. How do you want to go forward… or do you? If you’d rather be alone, or see other people, you should let me know.”

At this point I have to say that I deserve a pat on the back for this. Normally I would just let things go on and on and then wait for him to make the move, not wanting to hear bad news. But my lesson from my last relationship was to just confront it. Sure, it hurts to find out things are over, but the not knowing? Is worse.

So he replied:

“I’m not interested in seeing anyone else. I am just so used to being alone. There’s a strange kind of comfort in it. I like you and don’t want to stop where we are but I’m not sure I’m ready to move things forward if that makes any sense. If it sounds confusing I think it’s because it is. When I went online dating, I had no idea what to expect or what I was looking for.”

Well then you shouldn’t have written that you were looking for a relationship if you didn’t want one, right?

So I replied:

“I’m not quite sure how to respond to that. You sound like you aren’t quite ready to commit to dating and everything that goes along with it, such as meeting the friends, the family, etc. Quite possibly because you haven’t dated anyone in six years since your divorce.  Maybe fear? It is difficult to put yourself out there fully to someone after being hurt. Always the chance you’ll get hurt again. It’s not easy to do and maybe you aren’t ready for that.”

He replies, after a long, agonizing wait:

“I really don’t know how to be in a relationship, I guess. I think you are right, I haven’t been down this path yet and I don’t know that I am ready to commit to travelling down it now. I am sorry for that. You and I seem so compatible and have so much in common. Please don’t think of me as being a jerk I try really hard not to be that guy.”

So what could I say to that? He’s allowed to have his feelings and his fear. If he wasn’t ready, nothing could change that.

Our last communication was my saying he wasn’t a jerk and he can’t help what he feels, and that all I ever asked for was honesty, which (I hope) he was giving me.

His last words were “thank you”.

And that was it.

There was nothing more I could say to him.

But what I wanted to say to him was: You might not realize it but you DO know how to be in a relationship. For two months you did and said everything right. You asked the right questions about me and my past; you shared the right information about your own past relationships; you talked about your kids, your hobbies, your tastes in movies and music. You even shared some issues you had with intimacy.

Whether or not he wanted – or knew it – he was in a relationship with me.

And now he’s not.

I totally did not see it coming. I mean, other than the last two weeks, I thought we were happy. Laughing, smiling. Having fun.

So now I am single again.

What is wrong with me? I knew this wouldn’t last. I did it to myself by getting my hopes up. By imaging a life. A possible life with him. No, not marriage but… I allowed myself to imagine Thanksgiving. Christmas. Maybe a winter sun vacation. Meeting his family.

All of which are now in the toilet.

As is my self-confidence.

How could I have seen this coming? Reading my previous posts… there was no way. Everything was going well. Great. Excellent.

Or so I thought – apparently not.

And now I get to start all over again. Online dating. The profiles. The comments. The men.

Ugh.

Next week I will be travelling overseas – I’ll be in Ireland for 11 days – and so I think I will put this search off until then. Give myself some time to not worry about my relationship status.

Besides… there is always the chance that in some bar in Ireland I will find myself a William from P.S. I Love You. (I’ve always been more partial to William than Gerry)

Hey… it’s better to laugh about it than to cry. I did my share of crying last week, trust me.

 

Melancholy Baby

Today I am incredibly melancholy.

Eight years ago today I got married.

Biggest mistake of my life.

Biggest. Mistake.

I am in the process of formally ending things, considering we have been separated for over four years.

It’s a good thing. Soon it will be officially over. No more ties. Not that it would really change anything – we’ve both moved on with our lives.

But it makes me melancholy today.

I’d love to go out for dinner with a girlfriend and just talk. Talk about it all. Maybe have a few drinks, toast to the ending to a story that never should have been written.

I know, I know – if I hadn’t made that choice eight years ago then I wouldn’t be in the spot where I am today, surrounded by the people I am with today.

I know all that.

But I still have big regrets. And I don’t regret much.

I don’t know what I am feeling today, nor why I am feeling it.

I want nothing more than to go out to dinner with my girlfriends and trash-talk the ex, do a ‘thank goodness that’s over’ toast and just be silly.

Not gonna happen.

I don’t have any friends who knew me when I was married. How sad is that?

Part of it is that I let him alienate me from my friends, and the one close friend I had during that time… well that friendship is over as well.

That makes me sad, but it wasn’t my choice. It was hers to end it, but that’s long in the past.

And I miss it, I miss having that one confidante, the one friend who knows all your secrets, your joys, your sorrows. Your regrets. Your celebrations.

I’m dying to talk to someone about Mr. M., to confirm that most of what I feel is all in my head.

Because I do that – I think too much and it does not make for a happy ending.

I have realized though that a lot of what I feel on a daily basis is the direct result of my brain sabotaging me.

Last week when Mr. M. was away, I didn’t hear from him for two days.

And that took me over the edge.

I could have contacted him but my stubborn pride got in the way.

That and my fear and insecurities.

In my last post I detailed about how I think he should be talking about me to his family.

And, maybe he is. I haven’t asked, so for all I know he has talked about me.

But in my mind, he hasn’t. And because he hadn’t contacted me, in my mind, things were going downhill with him.

I finally realized that I can’t be upset with him for not checking in for a couple of days. It’s all me, all in my head. I can’t be upset with him for not doing something I THINK he should be doing.

I mean, how fucked is that? I was all upset and crying and out of my mind for no reason (personally I blame half of it on PMS).

The Tuesday night we ended up going to a movie together and it was just fine.

But on Monday, I had to make it out to be the end of the world.

Snotty ugly cry and all.

But it wasn’t.

So just because I THINK he should be taking me with him to the cottage when he goes doesn’t mean he’s ready for that. Just because I THINK he should bring me to dinner with his boys doesn’t mean he’s ready for that (or that it would be fair to his kids).

Mr. M. moves at his own pace in his own time – whether it be responding to emails, texts or dates. And it might not be the same pace as me, but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. it’s not. The important thing is that we are moving together in the same direction.

Going forward, not backwards.

Which is why tonight instead of thinking about all the time I wasted with someone who broke me, I should celebrate my soon-to-be freedom.

And also celebrate the lessons learned from the experience.

Because if I didn’t learn anything from that time… then I’m a bigger fool than I thought.

Spring is in the Air

Spring finally seems like it’s going to stick around in my neck of the woods, and all I can say is that it’s about frigging time!

This winter was horrible. Too cold for too long. Three months of ice and snow and arctic temperatures.

But the birds are now singing.

The snow is melting.

The sun is shining.

And I am trying to keep myself from going back into the dark place.

There are times when I feel the veil of depression coming down over my eyes. Covering the light.

Sometimes I fight it, but sometimes, I admit… I let the veil come down.

I’m not proud of it. But it happens.

I find myself not wanting to see anyone or do anything. I can barely get up and get to work some days.

But it passes. It always does. Usually, I can force myself out of it with plans of some sort.

But lately, my life has been so quiet that there have been no plans. I don’t see anyone or do anything. Mostly that is my fault. I am the one who pushes people away.

I’m lonely. I try to get together with others, but it never works out. They have other plans, other things going on in their lives that don’t concern me. I am not a priority to them, and I know that – and there is nothing wrong with that.

Except when it comes to spending too much time alone.

So now that the weather has changed, I am forcing myself to go out; to walk in the sunshine, to sit on the deck, to drive with the windows down.

I need to push the darkness back and let in the light.