I wish sometimes I could get out of my own head.
I wish I could talk to Mr. J about these issues that are bothering me.
But then I wonder, are these really issues? Or am I just making things up to make up drama to make myself unhappy?
I want to be part of his life. I want to be more than a ‘house mate’. But the reality is seeming to be more and more that this is all that I am. Except we sleep together.
I share his bed. I share the bills with him – except for food and fuel for the vehicles. But that is all we share. We do not share anything else. Oh – and I am on his cell phone plan, but I pay for my phone in full.
With his wife he shares two kids – although I realized this weekend that to them, Mom’s house is ‘Home’. I’m pretty sure that Dad’s house is just somewhere they have to go every second week. At least I’m pretty sure that’s how The Daughter feels. I don’t really know about The Son – but he did say once to us that he helps out more at Mom’s house because, and yes, I quote: “well, you have Anonymous, and Mom is alone’.
When asked for more information he said that he feels ‘sorry for Mom’ because she’s alone, so he helps out more with chores around the house.
I won’t lie, I walked away when at that comment. I let his father talk to him about that, and Mr. J said that he set a few things straight, mainly about how that was what Mom wanted, and that Mom isn’t doing everything ‘alone’. She had her Boyfriend put their beds together when they moved and he also hung curtains and pictures. So don’t feel sorry for Mom.
But I digress…
What am I doing? I am taking a perfectly normal, happy situation and am trying to fuck it up in my mind. I can go days being normally happy and then like last night when I couldn’t sleep, my mind was racing with the same thoughts as before. Thinking of everything Mr. J and his wife share that we don’t: children, dentist, benefits through work, financial advisers, bank accounts, financial and tax information….
We don’t share anything. Except a bed. And even that bed frame he shared with her when they were together (thankfully the mattress is new). And some bed sheets are old as well, although I keep trying to bring in new ones to replace. I try very hard to only use my own towels that I bought with me. Weird?
Since we moved in we’ve bought nothing together. We eat off their wedding china every damn day. (It’s Denby and he loves it, so what am I to say about it?)
This week is crazy busy with tutoring tonight, school concert tomorrow night, then Mr. J books summer work on Thursday morning so he needs to look at that beforehand. We have a wedding to go to on Saturday (my cousin’s) so we won’t really have any time to talk until Sunday or Monday when it’s just us again.
I enjoy travel, and I knew going in that it wasn’t his thing. But last year after his concussion he had a scare – the doctor told him he thought Mr. J might have an aneurysm, but the tests came back clear. And at the time, Mr. J told me that the possibility kind of scared him. He realized that his life might be short – as his mothers’ was – and so maybe it was time to live more in the now. So we talked briefly about taking a little road trip this Fall. Just the two of us. (I’ve mentioned this is past posts.)
But last night he pretty much told me that thanks to me paying half his bills, his money situation is good now. He’s happy with it. But that he still doesn’t want to spend the money on travel, as he isn’t comfortable with it.
So there goes one more thing we could do to bring us closer as a couple.
Although as he said that, I did say that I wasn’t convinced that he would have been fully present on a trip with me anyway; that I wasn’t interested in spending my time waiting for him to respond to messages that had no urgency nor need for being sent in the first place. You want to send your children the daily messages that you do (which all go unanswered), great. Awesome. But the other messages from your wife about nonsense? Yeah, no thanks.
This weekend at my cousin’s wedding will be a test. To see how much of the day he gives me his complete attention, vs. how many messages he receives from his wife – and how often he checks his phone.
All of this has been written previously. I’m just recycling the same information over and over. Nothing has come of it because I haven’t done anything about it. I can’t fault him for that, as he doesn’t know how I feel.
He doesn’t know how I feel because I haven’t told him how I feel. That’s on me. So unless I am going to tell him, I can’t blame him for something he knows nothing about.
Time to make a plan. And hopefully something good will come of this plan. I just have to wait for the right opening, and hope I can do it in a non-accusatory way. The key is for me to learn patience and how to discuss this in a mature way. Or should I just say, “what the fuck, dude?”
Yeah. THAT will go over well.