Well the bubble has burst big-time, my friends.
Last week I caught Mr. J in a lie.
A stupid, stupid lie.
And now I don’t know what to do about it.
The kicker is, I knew before he told me that it was a lie.
Let me back up, shall I?
Two weeks ago Sunday, Mr. J and the daughter were outside working on the car. He had forgotten to bring his phone out, so I grabbed it and was bringing it to him when he received a message, from The Ex.
Of course I glanced at it – not my fault he has preview on his screen, is it?
So the message had to do with her thinking about changing laundry soap because of allergies. Not rash-type, because I would have heard about that. All I have heard in the past from The Daughter is that Mom always washes all the clothes when the kids go back to her place because she ‘hates the smell of Gain’.
So, whatever. Wash if you like. I love the smell of Gain.
Then the following Tuesday, Mr. J and I were at Costco, and Gain was on sale. So I asked if he wanted to get some detergent. He said, “no – my friend Dave told me that there are some detergents that cause cancer so I’m thinking of switching.”
Now I work in a medical library. I know how to do research. And I knew he had been told stuff about cancer because he has a soft spot – his mom died young of cancer, and so he is really careful about certain things. He won’t microwave anything in a plastic container, for example.
So if you want to really make him think… that’s how to do it.
All I told him was, ‘where’s the research on that? I’ve never heard of anything like that, and if stuff was really bad for you, it would be pulled from the market. Let me do some research before you make your decision.”
So the next day I did some research. And I learned that there are a lot of sites out there that claim that detergents cause cancer. Most of those sites are not ones that I would say are valid resources though. But then I found a couple of articles in reputable sites that said that yes, laundry soaps do release a certain chemical that ‘has been linked’ to cancer. However, the article also stated that the amounts are so small that you would have to almost ingest the stuff for it to do any real damage. And on that list, Gain was listed fourth, after Tide and a couple of other name-brand products.
My takeaway from that is there is no real long-term chance of cancer from using those products.
In my email to Mr. J with the links included, I asked that he ‘change detergents because he wants to, not because someone thinks he should’.
(Meaning I know she is trying to scare you to do something she wants you to do.)
A week passes. The following Saturday, The Daughter is in the kitchen with us. She hugs her dad and smells him. Then she says, “did you change soap yet? You don’t smell like Gain now.” And then I heard something mumbled about Mom and I think ‘charcoal’ so I am not sure if she is using a charcoal detergent or if heard wrong.
The bottom line is, I knew that The Ex was asking him to change soaps, not ‘his friend Dave’.
I actually caught him in a lie. First time.
And the first time sucks.
I called him on it too, as he was still cooking dinner. His reply was that it was easier to tell me it was ‘Dave’ than to tell me the real reason – to avoid a confrontation, he alluded.
So instead of not saying anything about it at all, he flat-out lied to my face.
It’s been five days and I don’t know how to handle this.
I am so hurt that he lied to me – about something so fucking stupid. So now of course I don’t know how to trust anything he says. And I am constantly wondering if he’s lied about other things as well.
We had plans to go out that night, which we did. We met a friend of mine to listen to a band play. We talked briefly about The Lie at bar, with me ending it by saying, ‘you know that when you lied you put The Ex up here” – I raised my hand high, ‘but at the same time, you put me down here,” – and I put my hand to my hips. “You put her ahead of me” I told him.
And we haven’t discussed it since. The kids have been with us, The Ex had to talk to him after hockey this week (again – funny how on both occasions when we’ve been there together, she finds a reason to keep him late to ‘talk’), his father is visiting and it’s been hectic.
There are so many emotions I am feeling. Anger, that he lied. Hurt, that he did it in the first place – and the fact that he never apologized for doing it. Sadness that he doesn’t respect me enough to tell me the truth – or in this case, to tell me nothing at all. Seriously, why didn’t he just said, ‘nope, we have enough soap’ when I asked? Then none of this would have happened.
But the most I feel is real sadness. That again, a man has lied to me about something so incredibly stupid. This was how my last relationships ended… it all starts with that first lie. So easy to do, and once you start… will there be an end?
Now I don’t know how to go forward. Do I keep pretending it didn’t happen, or do I push him to talk about it? Or send him a text message?
How do I move forward and put this behind me? Do I trust that he isn’t going to do this again?