Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell?

While we were on vacation, there was an incident, and I’m not quite sure what to make of it.

I’ve been rolling it over in my mind for a few weeks now, wondering if I am making more of it than I should be. At the time I was hurt, and sad.

It happened on the Friday morning. Our second-to-last day of vacation, our last day at the cottage.

Mr. J had planned for us to go out for breakfast, just the two of us, before the children were awake. Just a short little break.

As usual I was up earlier than everyone else. I was outside on the deck with a cup of tea, reading and checking Facebook.

I noticed that someone I work with had shared a post from our organization. (For a little privacy, I don’t follow my organization. I don’t want them having the ability to see my stuff.)

The post was a photo of me, promoting one of our services. I had posed for it, and had seen it on a work email, but hadn’t seen it on any social media.

I go back to reading my book. About fifteen minutes later, The Daughter comes out to greet me. She asks if I have a Twitter account.

(Yes. This is random. But this is not unusual for her.)

I tell her that I do have a Twitter account, but I never really use it. I manage a Twitter account at work and so I use that for tweeting.

She then says, “mom was asking me if you had a Twitter account, that’s weird, right?”

She also said, “she’s always asking me weird questions about you”


Then I asked her why mom was asking and she said, ‘mom said that she saw a photo of you” and then she showed me the message her mom had sent her (I am writing this from memory so it may not be exact):

“Does Anonymous have Twitter? There was a really nice photo of her posted at work. I also sent it to your dad.”

Okay. Let’s break this down, shall we?

Kudos for saying it was a really nice photo of me. It was. In a cutesy kind of way.

Also nice to ask if I had Twitter so I could see the Tweet for myself.

However…. if you are texting your Daughter, who is with me, to ask if I have Twitter… why not just send the Daughter the photo/tweet so that she could show it to me?

Instead she sent it to Mr. J.

So, a few minutes later, Mr. J walks outside. Dressed and ready to go for breakfast. I run inside while he chats with The Daughter, and get dressed. In ten minutes we are heading to the truck stop we like for breakfast.

After we are seated and are chatting, I couldn’t wait any longer. I bring up the fact that The Ex sent him a photo of me.

And I asked him about it. Because so far, he hadn’t said anything about it.

He kind of laughed and said that he wondered about that, and then told me he had planned on telling  me later that afternoon.

And this, my friends, is where it begins.

I don’t know if I am making too much of an issue of it or not.

Because I think that if I hadn’t mentioned to him what The Daughter told me, he would not have said anything about receiving the photo.

And that’s where I have worries. And doubts. It actually kept me awake almost all that Friday night – worrying about whether or not I could still trust him.

I couldn’t talk to him about it that day at all as we really weren’t alone. Nor the next day. And then the next passed, and the next… and other issues came into play, such as the fact that Mr. J did not tell the children that week about my moving in.

Part of the reason I couldn’t bring it up – and really haven’t yet – is because I wonder if I am overreacting.

I know that I can’t control what The Ex sends him in messages.

I also know that HE can’t control what she sends, either.

But I also know that Mr. J really hasn’t been himself for a long time. His focus is off, and sometimes he can’t really put what he wants to say into the right words.

So instead of doing the mature thing and talking to him about it, I spent that whole Friday night lying awake next to him in bed, crying, and wondering if I could still trust him.

I mean really – was it that big a deal? He knows that I sometimes get frustrated with the non-child-related messages she sends to him. He’s told me that he is very happy to have met me. And once, he told me I was the best thing to ever happen to him.

So what if his ex sent him a photo of me? The questions I have are: why does it matter to me so much, and why didn’t he tell me about it?

What do you think? Did I overreact? Did I make a big deal over something stupid? Or should Mr. J have told me about the text right away that morning?

In the meantime, I’ve decided to let it go. I’m not going to be one of those women and “punish” Mr. J for something he doesn’t know he did – or didn’t do. Like a strong, mature woman, I moved past it. I’m not holding a grudge. Or giving him the silent-but-bitchy treatment.

(Seriously. Why do women do that?)

Instead I remained the same supportive, loving person that I have always been with him. And hopefully, one day in the future, I’ll bring it up and just ask the question.

Or maybe I won’t ask the question. What’s the point in rehashing something that neither of us had control over?

The bigger issue is me trying to get a handle on my jealousy. If her texts didn’t bother me, then Mr. J would probably have told me about it.

What do you think? Rational or irrational? And should I still bring it up?


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