No Going Back

This is it.

This is the weekend – or week ahead – that is make or break for us.

We leave tomorrow for a week at Mr J’s family cottage. Just us and his children.

For a whole week.

With no TV.

No internet.

No video games on the laptop.

Just fun and sun and the lake and fresh air.

And family time.

It’s going to be interesting as I’ve never spent more than three consecutive days with them at one time.

And it’s also going to be the week where we make our plans to move in together known to all.

Including the children.

I’m torn about how to do it. There are two ways, and both seem good.

Scenario 1 – Mr. J tells the kids on his own. That way they can speak candidly about how they feel. Either together or separate, but they can talk about it with their father if they need to. Their own fears. Their own insecurities. (And when I say ‘they’ I really mean the Daughter. The Son probably won’t really realize what this means until it happens)

Scenario 2 – Mr J and I tell the kids together. This could be more awkward but it does show the two of us as a united front. But then the kids might not feel like they can speak up about how they feel about this change, and how it will affect them.

I’m really not sure which is the best way to go, to be honest. Scenario 1 is good if the kids want to talk about things with their Dad, but I’m not sure they would even if they had issues. And really, only the Daughter would say anything as I don’t think The Son will care one way or the other.

But then it will really depend on the timing of things. If the daughter makes a comment about Mr. J and I and our PDAs, it might be the perfect opportunity to bring it up. Or, it might happen one night at dinner. Or during a boat trip. Or shopping trip.

Regardless of how it happens, it needs to happen this week. The kids need some time to get used to the idea, and as soon as it happens, even though I hate the thought of it, Mr. J needs to tell The Ex. She should not hear about it from The Daughter – it should come right from him.

And then he will have to deal with the fallout of that – the passive-aggressive “I’m happy for you but I’m really not” shit that tends to get thrown around whenever something good happens to him.

But as I keep telling myself, I have to trust that Mr. J handles her the best he can, and that his heart is really into this move.

It’s my own insecurities that are messing with my head. It’s taking everything in me to be mature about this relationship and not fuck it up like I have with all the other ones.

I’m jealous of The Ex.

I know, right? But because she left, I feel she still tries to manipulate Mr. J and his feelings.

And that pisses me off.

I can’t know for certain, but I know how women play games. Control games. Manipulation games.

The ‘I’ll send you a text that has nothing to do with our kids so that I am in your head’ game.

And I hate how it makes me feel.

This is my struggle.

What I really want to do is smack her upside the head and say, “grow up”.

You left. You tore up a family for your own happiness.

You don’t get to play with people’s feelings. They are not your puppets.

You wanted to be happy, go be happy and leave your past behind.

But then you see, I am also torn.

For I am also grateful to her, because if she hadn’t left, if she hadn’t been selfish and caused the man I love the worst pain of his life….

…then I wouldn’t be the happiest I have ever been in my life.

So how fucked up is that?

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