It’s true. We all struggle emotionally with any number of issues at any number of times during our lifetime.
The key is how we deal with these struggles.
Me? I talk to myself about it. Or I write about it.
Others may drink to forget. Or talk to friends. Or their significant others.
Or a professional.
It’s not uncommon these days. People have all kinds of stressors. Work. Kids. Relationships.
Lately I’ve had a few moments that have been tough, but not anything I can’t handle. My biggest stress right now is the upcoming move in with Mr. J and the kids – even though it’s still two months away.I have random thoughts in my head throughout the day about it.
how the kids will react.
how Mom/The Ex will react. (Not that I really care about what she thinks but she can react badly and then put all of her feelings and insecurities about it onto Mr. J, which then becomes another stressor in his life. See what I mean?)
what our family routine will be.
how right now, at this moment, I feel lost because I am between two worlds: my roommate has started to take over the condo we’re in because I am really not there much. She’s started to spread her things and do things her own way because in October the unit truly becomes hers. But yet I am not living with Mr. J yet, so his house is not my home yet. I am starting to feel unsure of my place.
how I feel about having my storage stuff in the basement where Mom’s storage stuff still resides.
how I can change things just enough so that it doesn’t seem like I am a replacement.
how I feel about Mom/The Ex telling Mr. J that the reason she hasn’t been taking much of her stuff out of the basement is because she ‘is struggling’.
how I feel about her texting him a photo of a Gin & Tonic and asking, ‘how come I didn’t know about these years ago?”
(So… does that mean your life with Mr. J would have been better if you had been drinking GT’s all along? You would not have left him?)
I mean really… what the fuck does that even mean?
Is it meant to fuck with Mr. J’s head? Because of course that’s what it did. Just one more way to put herself into his life, and into his head.
But I have to let go of the stress I feel when she texts Mr. J about non-urgent child issues – and not let it impact our relationship. I have to trust him to deal with it in the best way he knows how. And I also have to understand that he cannot control what she texts him – or how often.
He can only control his replies and reactions to those messages.
So I have to hope that if we continue with open communication we can talk about these issues. That we can talk about my anxiety over moving in and my fear that as the days get closer and the texts from his past keep coming that he won’t stop and think that perhaps he is rushing into this. That perhaps the love and affection and respect and sex and companionship we have might not be quite enough for him to fully commit.
Because even though they have been separated physically for over a year (and longer on paper), neither has moved towards the discussion of divorce. (At least I think. I could be wrong.)
And that my friends, is my biggest fear. Because until the paperwork is signed, nothing is official. Nothing is really over. Even if it is just a piece of paper.
(I didn’t say it was a rational fear.)
Last week Mr. J had to go in for a CT scan. I went with him as a ride and just in case he needed someone there.
As the intake clerk updated his information, he put me down as his emergency contact. A new name. A new phone number.
And then the nurse asked what our relationship was.
“Married? Common-law?” she asked, ready to fill in the blank.
“Friends” replied Mr. J.
But the truth is…. that’s what we are.
We are not married. We are not technically living together yet. And, even when we are, are we really going to combine our lives enough to be considered ‘common-law’? (I like to think so but…)
Given those options… I guess the correct answer really was ‘friends’.
Lately Mr J has been ‘off’… which is why we were in for a CT scan in the first place.
So I’ve tried to not add to his stress. I mean – he deals with his work stress, the stress of having two teenagers half-time instead of full-time, the stress of finances and household issues, the stress of his Ex…
Given his state right now the last thing I want to do is to add anything to that.
I’m not running away.
I’m not angry.
I’m figuring it out. And if I do need to really talk to him about it – I will.
I just want him to get better and have my old Mr. J back.
But in the meantime, I will just keep going forward. I will keep thinking about our relationship going forward. I will make lists and plan for the move and not think about anything but how happy Mr. J makes me feel, and how excited I am to move in with him and his children.
Because you can’t go back. You can only go forward.
I recently read a great book and this quote really hit home:
“Look, what happened with your husband changed you forever, just like what happened with my brother changed me,” he says, and this time, I really listen, because it feels different from the advice I’ve gotten before. “So you can’t compare the present with the past, not really, because you’re a different person that you were back then. You have to look forward, at the things you want, not back at the things you once had.”
And I want a life with Mr. J. With everything that comes along with it.