When to Speak Up

Things with Mr. J2 are still going smoothly. Essentially we live together every second week when he doesn’t have his kids. I arrive while he is at work on Saturday, then I usually leave either Friday evening or Saturday morning, depending on what’s going on.

This weekend we will be driving to see the Son W play in a hockey tournament. We are either staying the night at Mr. J2’s father’s house, or we will drive back after the last game, depending if W’s team makes the finals. If the team doesn’t play on Sunday then we will drive back home on Saturday night – making it a very long day.

IF we stay at Mr. J2’s father’s house, Mr. J2 has already decided that he will share a room with me.

This is big.

We’ve skirted the issue of bed sharing for the past month, since I first met the kids. When I visit during his week with them, I always go home at night. I never stay over. I might show up a few times during the week but I always go home.

I thought, since the second bedroom has a set of twin beds, that Mr. J2 would sleep in that room with W, and I would have the room with the Queen. But Mr. J2 said no, he would share with me.

So it will be interesting to see if W makes the connection or just takes it in stride.

The only issue I am having lately is how much The Ex texts Mr. J2. It’s really starting to bother me.

We always talk about their relationship and their marriage. Usually it’s about what went wrong, and what he learned from it so that he won’t go through it again.

But how can Mr. J2 really get over The Ex when she is constantly texting him?

Last night at 10pm she texted him asking if he was on Netflix. He still uses her account since it was the family account for years, and it’s all set up that way on the PS3.

He replied that no, he wasn’t on Netflix.

And that should have been the end of it, but no… she kept texting him.

And he kept replying.

At one point he commented about it and I said flat-out, “she asked, you replied no – that should be the end of the conversation. You don’t need to know the why’s and the how’s of her Netflix issues”

And surprisingly, Mr. J2 replied, “you are so good for me.”

And then he said, “My brother C would say the same thing. He would tell me to disengage. Stop replying. Just let it go.”

But how can he disengage when she keeps texting him all the time? Once, on a Sunday night, she was texting him from the hockey rink where the Son was practicing. She texted him, “I’m bored.”

My comment was, “why is that your problem? She should be texting with her boyfriend J if she is bored.”

But still he replied a bit.

I understand why of course – they were together for over 20 years. He knows her so well.

And I won’t lie… it’s making me jealous.

I really hate that he jumps to respond when his phone dings. But I know that it could be from the kids, his brothers, his dad… it could be anyone.

But when I hear that she keeps engaging him in pointless conversation, it bothers me.

He’s a nice guy. He is going to respond. But each day it seems, he tells me how he is losing respect for her. He sees how good we are together and it makes him realize how bad things really were for him in his marriage. I always hug and kiss him and he remembers how often he was rebuffed or turned away.

These are all good things that will continue to strengthen our relationship going forward.

But right now? It sucks. We are open with our communication. We talk a lot about everything. But I am not sure how to bring this up with him. How do I tell him that it bothers me when responds to her texts after the initial response? He should not respond to the ‘I’m bored’ text – he shouldn’t be rude either (like I would say, why aren’t you texting with your boyfriend J?”), but he should stop after the first response. “No, not on Netflix, watching TV with Anonymous and going to bed”. That’s it. No more explanation needed – none of her business.

So my problem is how to bring this up without sounding like a nagging fishwife – which he has had plenty of in the last few years. He isn’t doing it to hurt me – in fact I think it’s actually hurting him. It’s making it more difficult, I think, for him to pull away from her.

Which is entirely her plan.

She wants to keep reminding him that she is there. Why does he need to know that one of her friends got laid off yesterday? Unless he knew the friend well, that is – which he didn’t. Otherwise, it’s her news and doesn’t affect him OR the kids.

But she still shares with him.

I can’t stop her from doing it. And I can’t stop him from reading her texts or replying. But the question is how do I stop being jealous of it?

How do I let go of these feelings? It’s all on me, he’s never made me feel anything but important to him. As soon as he finishes work I am the first one he texts. If he can’t call me on his drive home because he has to deal with the lawyer or other stuff, he tells me. He talks to me about The Ex a lot and I don’t want to lose that. It helps me understand where he is, and how he is dealing with it – and how she is behaving.

It actually keeps the trust between us when he doesn’t hide her – or what she says/does – from me.

So if I bring it up and he stops telling me about it, that would be a bad thing.

Rock… hard place. With me right in the middle.

Hopefully with more time it will settle itself out. I can’t hope for much more than that.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s