Be Careful, It’s My Heart

I spent most of the weekend happily with Mr. J2.

I cooked a delicious meal on Saturday to bring to his place for Saturday night. We had dinner, then he left to go see his son play hockey for an hour (at my insistence). While he was gone, I took a delightful bath in his soaker tub.

No complaints here.

When he returned, he joined me in the tub. We talked (and laughed at how embarrassed I was to be in the tub with him) for about an hour. Then we got out, dried off…

… and I never put my clothes back on.

It’s amazing to be standing naked in the bathroom with his man, kissing him, and feeling just how much he DOES love kissing me. He was hard in two second flat.

Sex with him is much different from what I’ve experienced with other men. It’s much more tender. It’s much more soft, if that makes sense.

There’s a lot of kissing. A LOT of kissing during sex.

And I really like that.

We lazed in bed Sunday morning, then had breakfast together. We talked, kissed, ate, talked and kissed some more.

We folded laundry. Then we cuddled on the bed for about an hour, just talking and laughing and kissing.

He left to take his son to hockey practice. While he was gone I took a shower and cleaned up, then happily sat next to a fire reading my book.

When he came home, we had a couple of drinks and cuddled up to watch It’s a Wonderful Life. After the movie, we made nachos for dinner, cleaned up, then I read for a bit more while he phoned his brother.

And told his brother that he wasn’t going to see him during the holidays, that he was going to spend his time with me instead.

We got ready and went to bed. More kissing. More cuddling. More sex.

It was assumed I would spend the night again. And it felt completely normal.

After sex, as we were cuddling, I said something that I maybe shouldn’t have.

I said, “I just want to ask you to be careful with me, because I could get very hurt”.

There was silence. Then he said, “me too.”

And then he kissed me and said, “thank you for being honest with me.”

I woke up around two or three and rolled over. Mr. J2 was right there, kissing the nape of my neck.

This is where things get fuzzy. I know he spooned me, hugged me and said something sweet and romantic. But my sleep-deprived brain does not quite remember what it was exactly. Which I am quite sorry about. The most I can say for sure is that it had something to do with us, and how awesome we are together.

Early this morning, after his shower as he was half-dressed for work, he came to kiss me and hugged me from behind, and said, “just so you know, this scares the crap out of me also.”

Not as scared as I am.

See, it all started on Saturday evening as we were having a nice dinner. He talks a lot about his marriage ending – and it doesn’t bother me. Sometimes he catches himself and apologizes, but I always wave it away. I tell him that if he needs to talk, I will listen.

But then he told me that on Friday he was trying to text me on his short break but his phone kept ringing and texts kept coming in, which is not normal for him.

Then my heart dropped when he said, “T called. She doesn’t usually call, we usually text but she said that she just needed to hear my voice. She was out shopping for the kids for Christmas and I guess she was having difficulty with it.” (T is his ex, the one who decided she didn’t want to be married to him anymore.)

And that’s when it hit me: I am in deep shit.

See, I can compete with someone new… but I cannot compete with his ex-wife.

If she decides that she’s made a huge mistake and that she wants to put her family back together… I will be screwed.

He is a family man. If she called him up tomorrow and said she was sorry, she made a mistake, she wants to move back in and be a family again… I am not sure what he would say.

On one hand, I know he cares about me. He’s told me he ‘likes’ me. He told me he thinks I am awesome. (And I am.) He’s told me how much he loves my sense of humour. He tells me I am beautiful. He joked that he couldn’t believe he went to his son’s hockey game knowing that a beautiful blond was at his home in his bathtub.

He offered me a key to his house. His thinking is that I shouldn’t have to get up at 4:50 AM when he does and leave at 5:30 with him. He thinks I should stay in bed and leave a little later and get a little more sleep. (I declined the key to his house. But I bet he will offer it again this week.)

I know he cares about me. More than he probably thought he would. In fact, he just sent me an email and wrote: “You also have my Heavy black heart️ Anonymous, don’t doubt that….  I do also promise to be very careful with yours.”

But if his ex-wife asks him to take her back…. I’m really not sure which way he would go. His family – his kids – are so important to him that I think it would be a really difficult decision for him to have to make.

And I really hope it’s a decision he never has to make.

Remember, it’s my heart
The heart with which so willingly I part
It’s yours to take, to keep or break
But please, before you start
Be careful, it’s my heart

~Irving Berlin


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