Insecurities

I met with Mr. J2 for about thirty minutes tonight, after he finished work but before he went home.

I haven’t minded not seeing him this week. I sometimes like being alone. But he’s made a point of keeping in contact with me via text every evening. Until his kids yell at him to get off his phone, that is.

Tonight we sat in a food court and talked. He asked me to have Christmas dinner with him. To cook it with him. I told him that I wasn’t sure about my plans yet, it depends on whether my mom is coming up or not, but regardless of the situation – we will be having Christmas dinner together.

As we sat there, sipping hot chocolate and holding hands, he asked me if I was still nervous about seeing him.

I was nervous. Nervous and excited.

And scared.

The more I see of him the more I like him.

And the more worried I get that the next time I see him, he will look at me and wonder what the hell he’s doing with me.

But it seems all signs point otherwise.

As we were walking down the hallway out to the mall, we talked about his job. He is a city bus driver, so he always has good stories to tell.

We were talking about how some people are so stoic and robotic. I said, “when I rode the bus I was a bus driver’s dream….” I paused to take a breath and he jumped in with, ‘how do you know you’re not a bus driver’s dream?”

I laughed out loud at that one. “Good one,” I said.

Yes, I understood his meaning.

Then we walked outside, and as soon as we hit the pavement, he took my hand. We held hands all the way to his car. Then we had a mini make-out session at his car before we said goodbye.

He’s making it obvious that he likes me.

How do I push past this feeling of insecurity?

It’s not that I think he will go back to his ex-wife – they are separated, not divorced. She wanted it, he didn’t.

On his profile he wrote that he, “wants to date but nothing serious”.

But I think things are getting serious. He wants to take photos of us together to show people.

He wants to spend Christmas day together. New Year’s Eve.

When he got home from our little meeting, he sent me one word text: ILFKY.

(I love fucking kissing you)

Which is our inside joke from Friday night.

After a few more texts, he wrote: “I’m having such a great time with you.”

He just texted me – I had sent him a photo by email of me when I was five. A photo with Santa.

He wrote: “You were such a cutie but I like that you turned into such a hottie :)”

He likes me, doesn’t he? I mean, he is saying everything right. He is doing everything right. We have a lot to talk about. We laugh a lot. We kiss a lot.

So why the insecurities?

There has literally (I use that word a lot) been NOTHING to indicated to me that he is less than interested. The only way he could be more interested is if he was insisting I meet his kids or he asked me to marry him.

(I promise you neither will happen – and one NEVER will)

Am I so damaged that when I meet someone who is obviously interested, but wants nothing from me but to be with me (unlike Mr. D who I still think was looking for me to be an escape) that I always have to think the worst?

It’s because I feel I am dating above my station.

I mean he is the whole package: smart, funny, handsome, fit, witty, polite, sexy in his own nerdy little way…

Is he going to tire of me? Is he going to realize that he could do so much better than me?That he could be playing the field, dating new and likely more exciting women every night? Talking to more interesting and more beautiful women?

Have I been so hurt and jaded in the past that when a nice guy comes along, and obviously wants to be with me, I freak out because I don’t think I am good enough for him?

Dammit, what the hell is wrong with me?

 

 

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One thought on “Insecurities

  1. He really likes you hon!! Wouldn’t want to spend the holidays with you If it was ‘nothing serious’! My advice… Keep playing it cool wish I hadn’t gotten relaxed too soon with someone when I first started dating! 😊

    Like

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