Suspicious Minds

(Two posts in one day… a new record!)

Why is it that when a man seems truly interested in me – wanting to kiss me and touch me and just hold me – that my first instinct is to run away?

And yet when a man treats me like a sex object – like the other guy I had sex with last week who tells me how hot and sexy I am – I am more likely to go for him?

I met Mr. J first. On the second date I had sex with him. And he was good. And it was hot, dirty sex. He kept asking me to spend the night but I had to work the next day so I did the drive of shame around 10 pm.

Then I met with Mr. D. He has said all the right things… calls me beautiful, tells me he misses me, says that I have a big heart… all the things women want to hear.

We’ve had a few make out sessions but he hasn’t even gotten to first base yet. (That may change on Saturday.)

Mr. D could have potential to go the distance. But as always in my life, there are hurdles. The big one being he still shares a house with his ex.

I KNOW! (Thank you Monica)

He says they broke up a year ago and she is only there two nights a week and lives in her own house out-of-town the rest of the time.

So of course, after listening to him tell me he misses me, how he wants to be with me… all I can do is be suspicious.

He’s playing me.

He’s using me.

He’s just trying to get out of his current situation and into another one.

Yet it’s pretty obvious that Mr. J wants sex from me. He was suggesting it the first night we met.

And yet the following night we were rolling around the sheets together.

Yet Mr. D., who has been sweet and kind to me, hasn’t yet made it to first base.

What’s wrong with me? It’s like here’s a nice guy (or so he seems). He’s interested. He’s funny. While he’s not going to be on the cover of GQ, he isn’t ugly, or I wouldn’t have responded to his messages. He’s a big boy, tall and broad and big all over – but thankfully without the uglyman beer belly. Just… tall and wide. Full head of hair, beard that is just shy of hitting lumberjack (of which I am hoping to convince him to trim, although it does suit him.)

Mr. J is short – my height, a little puffy around the neck, face and middle. (Likely from having a kidney transplant last year.) Bald as well – and my only issue with that is he reminds me too much of my ex husband.

So why then am I willing to jump into the sack quickly with Mr. J, while not even showing an inch of skin to Mr. D., who has been patient and kind and nice to me?

Why am I so suspicious of a man’s motives when he shows me any kind of positive attention?

Because I feel that I am not worthy of anyone’s love.

Because it’s easier to have fun with the Mr. J’s of the world and then move on, rather than become attached to the Mr. D’s of the world and get hurt when it ends.

Because it always ends.

Always.

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