It’s been a busy week for me.

I met a guy.

Two, actually.

I KNOW! (As Monica would say)

But the first guy is going to be just a one-time thing. Although the sex was great, outside of the bedroom we are not compatible. I am sensing a slight issue with alcohol on his part, so we’ll chat for a bit more and then he’ll lose interest and move on.

The second guy… he’s totally different from the first, and for the first time I can see a potential future.

We’ve seen each other almost every day since the 15th. Mostly just for coffee meets, and last night I went to visit him at work (he works day/night shifts for his job.) He’s totally into me. Not shy to show affection. He’s made it clear that he wants to be with me. Just me.

And that scares the hell out of me.
In May 2012 I started dating a guy I met on a dating site. Seemed nice. Sweet. Happy.

He was charming. Sweet. He said all the right things – you are so beautiful, we are meant for each other, I want to hold you in my arms… you get the idea. Lots of xoxo kisses and good morning sexy, hi beautiful, I can’t wait to see you… everything a woman wants to hear from a man.

I fell for it. Within about two or three weeks he had moved into my condo with me. He was renting a room from a friend and so he just packed up my car (he didn’t have his own) and he moved in.

He worked for a medical lab. He worked only about 30 hours a week. Did not make good money, but I didn’t care, until I realized he wasn’t really paying his bills. He had a really nice digital camera that I found out later he had taken to a pawn shop, instead of ‘lending it to a friend’ which he told me.

He made me feel special. He said all the romantic things a woman wants to hear. He met my friends, he met my family during the first crisis with my mother.

And then, three months after he moved in, I discovered he was cheating on me. And not just sex – he was actually dating someone… and using my car to do it. (He was on Ashley Madison, OK Cupid, and any other free dating site you can think of) He was stupid – he was using my laptop and had left his email open so I discovered his emails to the other woman. And after reading them, I saw that he was using the same lines on her that he had on me. He had told some people on Facebook (he had left that open too) that his girlfriend ‘had too many issues’ (this was me) so he was looking for another place to live. I found out that he was just moving from woman to woman, looking for women who would fall for his talk and have them take care of him.

So I got played. And I got hurt. Not only was I already having trust issues because of my ex-husband and a previous relationship, this guy really made me feel stupid. He was just using me for a place to live and wanted me to help support him.

I wish I was more trusting and that I could open my heart up but I’m scared to. I can honestly say I haven’t allowed myself to open up fully to anyone since 2000, and that is a long time to keep that part of yourself hidden.  I may have said the words to my ex-husband but deep down I really wasn’t in love with him. I made the biggest mistake of my life by marrying him, and I know that and take responsibility for it. We all have mistakes in our past but the best life lesson is to learn from them and to not make the same mistakes again.

Which sucks because I want to be in love. I want someone to hold me when I cry and to laugh with me when I am happy. Someone to spend holidays with. Someone to take to office parties – and make all my friends envious because of how he looks at me when I am not beside him. Someone to visit my mother with.  Someone to have a New Year’s house party with. Someone to cook meals with and share the cleanup. Someone to go out dancing with. Someone to sneak away with for weekend getaways. To just know that someone is waiting for me, wanting to be with me whenever possible.

Someone who is not afraid to show the world he wants to be with me, and only me.

Not because of what I can do for them (pay bills, a place to live, or because I am a great cook), but just because of ME.

Someone who will hold me and never let me go. Who will fight for me.

And maybe I am the reason I haven’t that someone yet. Maybe I am too cold and closed off to give anyone the chance to get close enough to me to find out. It’s easier to keep things casual – that way if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t hurt as much. I am not sure I will ever allow myself to fully give my heart to a man.

I may seem like someone who is all fun and happy and smart, but I haven’t made too many smart decisions in the past. Maybe I intentionally choose the wrong men so that I will never be happy.

Wouldn’t be the first time.


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