Well. That was a shocker.
Yep. I am now single. And not by choice.
For two weeks, it seemed that Mr. M. was keeping his distance. His messages and emails seemed a little distant. He made no effort to get together.
My Spidey-senses were tingling… and when they tingle, I listen.
So after not seeing him for 10 days, I texted him and asked if he was okay.
His reply took awhile coming but was as follows:
“I know I’ve been keeping a little more to myself lately in general. Not sure why that is. Maybe things started out really fast and it’s catching up with me a little.”
Okay, what the fuck does that mean? Honestly?
So I replied:
“That’s fair. How do you want to go forward… or do you? If you’d rather be alone, or see other people, you should let me know.”
At this point I have to say that I deserve a pat on the back for this. Normally I would just let things go on and on and then wait for him to make the move, not wanting to hear bad news. But my lesson from my last relationship was to just confront it. Sure, it hurts to find out things are over, but the not knowing? Is worse.
So he replied:
“I’m not interested in seeing anyone else. I am just so used to being alone. There’s a strange kind of comfort in it. I like you and don’t want to stop where we are but I’m not sure I’m ready to move things forward if that makes any sense. If it sounds confusing I think it’s because it is. When I went online dating, I had no idea what to expect or what I was looking for.”
Well then you shouldn’t have written that you were looking for a relationship if you didn’t want one, right?
So I replied:
“I’m not quite sure how to respond to that. You sound like you aren’t quite ready to commit to dating and everything that goes along with it, such as meeting the friends, the family, etc. Quite possibly because you haven’t dated anyone in six years since your divorce. Maybe fear? It is difficult to put yourself out there fully to someone after being hurt. Always the chance you’ll get hurt again. It’s not easy to do and maybe you aren’t ready for that.”
He replies, after a long, agonizing wait:
“I really don’t know how to be in a relationship, I guess. I think you are right, I haven’t been down this path yet and I don’t know that I am ready to commit to travelling down it now. I am sorry for that. You and I seem so compatible and have so much in common. Please don’t think of me as being a jerk I try really hard not to be that guy.”
So what could I say to that? He’s allowed to have his feelings and his fear. If he wasn’t ready, nothing could change that.
Our last communication was my saying he wasn’t a jerk and he can’t help what he feels, and that all I ever asked for was honesty, which (I hope) he was giving me.
His last words were “thank you”.
And that was it.
There was nothing more I could say to him.
But what I wanted to say to him was: You might not realize it but you DO know how to be in a relationship. For two months you did and said everything right. You asked the right questions about me and my past; you shared the right information about your own past relationships; you talked about your kids, your hobbies, your tastes in movies and music. You even shared some issues you had with intimacy.
Whether or not he wanted – or knew it – he was in a relationship with me.
And now he’s not.
I totally did not see it coming. I mean, other than the last two weeks, I thought we were happy. Laughing, smiling. Having fun.
So now I am single again.
What is wrong with me? I knew this wouldn’t last. I did it to myself by getting my hopes up. By imaging a life. A possible life with him. No, not marriage but… I allowed myself to imagine Thanksgiving. Christmas. Maybe a winter sun vacation. Meeting his family.
All of which are now in the toilet.
As is my self-confidence.
How could I have seen this coming? Reading my previous posts… there was no way. Everything was going well. Great. Excellent.
Or so I thought – apparently not.
And now I get to start all over again. Online dating. The profiles. The comments. The men.
Next week I will be travelling overseas – I’ll be in Ireland for 11 days – and so I think I will put this search off until then. Give myself some time to not worry about my relationship status.
Besides… there is always the chance that in some bar in Ireland I will find myself a William from P.S. I Love You. (I’ve always been more partial to William than Gerry)
Hey… it’s better to laugh about it than to cry. I did my share of crying last week, trust me.