Today I am incredibly melancholy.
Eight years ago today I got married.
Biggest mistake of my life.
I am in the process of formally ending things, considering we have been separated for over four years.
It’s a good thing. Soon it will be officially over. No more ties. Not that it would really change anything – we’ve both moved on with our lives.
But it makes me melancholy today.
I’d love to go out for dinner with a girlfriend and just talk. Talk about it all. Maybe have a few drinks, toast to the ending to a story that never should have been written.
I know, I know – if I hadn’t made that choice eight years ago then I wouldn’t be in the spot where I am today, surrounded by the people I am with today.
I know all that.
But I still have big regrets. And I don’t regret much.
I don’t know what I am feeling today, nor why I am feeling it.
I want nothing more than to go out to dinner with my girlfriends and trash-talk the ex, do a ‘thank goodness that’s over’ toast and just be silly.
Not gonna happen.
I don’t have any friends who knew me when I was married. How sad is that?
Part of it is that I let him alienate me from my friends, and the one close friend I had during that time… well that friendship is over as well.
That makes me sad, but it wasn’t my choice. It was hers to end it, but that’s long in the past.
And I miss it, I miss having that one confidante, the one friend who knows all your secrets, your joys, your sorrows. Your regrets. Your celebrations.
I’m dying to talk to someone about Mr. M., to confirm that most of what I feel is all in my head.
Because I do that – I think too much and it does not make for a happy ending.
I have realized though that a lot of what I feel on a daily basis is the direct result of my brain sabotaging me.
Last week when Mr. M. was away, I didn’t hear from him for two days.
And that took me over the edge.
I could have contacted him but my stubborn pride got in the way.
That and my fear and insecurities.
In my last post I detailed about how I think he should be talking about me to his family.
And, maybe he is. I haven’t asked, so for all I know he has talked about me.
But in my mind, he hasn’t. And because he hadn’t contacted me, in my mind, things were going downhill with him.
I finally realized that I can’t be upset with him for not checking in for a couple of days. It’s all me, all in my head. I can’t be upset with him for not doing something I THINK he should be doing.
I mean, how fucked is that? I was all upset and crying and out of my mind for no reason (personally I blame half of it on PMS).
The Tuesday night we ended up going to a movie together and it was just fine.
But on Monday, I had to make it out to be the end of the world.
Snotty ugly cry and all.
But it wasn’t.
So just because I THINK he should be taking me with him to the cottage when he goes doesn’t mean he’s ready for that. Just because I THINK he should bring me to dinner with his boys doesn’t mean he’s ready for that (or that it would be fair to his kids).
Mr. M. moves at his own pace in his own time – whether it be responding to emails, texts or dates. And it might not be the same pace as me, but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. it’s not. The important thing is that we are moving together in the same direction.
Going forward, not backwards.
Which is why tonight instead of thinking about all the time I wasted with someone who broke me, I should celebrate my soon-to-be freedom.
And also celebrate the lessons learned from the experience.
Because if I didn’t learn anything from that time… then I’m a bigger fool than I thought.