I think I am starting to figure this shit out.
Not bad, eh?
So I just spent another great day and night with Mr. M.
I hadn’t seen him since his quick visit on Tuesday evening.
On Saturday we were volunteering to help out at a pretty big cycling race in our city. We spent a very, very long day driving around together, putting up signs for the riders, directing them where to go.
After 12 hours, we finally got back to his place and crashed. After a hot shower, a change of clothes and some great pizza, we just chilled on the couch watching television.
It was a really nice evening. Comfortable.
We talked all day and all evening. And then almost all night again.
And again in the morning, we talked for a few hours in bed before finally getting out of bed.
I’m not just talking favourite movies either; we talk about our youth, our past experiences, and the death of parents.
I know. Pretty heavy stuff.
And when we sit on the couch, we’re connected; my legs on his legs, entwined.
And when we are in bed, we are always cuddling; I’m resting my head on his shoulder, he is using his left hand to select songs to play, and his right is rubbing my hips, or back, or shoulder.
So then why do I still, after all this, feel inadequate?
He’s been single, not dating, for about six years. He had tried online dating a few years ago he said, with no success. He accidentally reactivated his app a few weeks ago, uploaded another photo, and then I met him.
But in all this, I am still feeling inadequate, and I am not sure how to make myself not have these feelings.
Basically, if I don’t hear from him, I start having self-doubts.
Why do I do that?
I convince myself that he’s lost interest. When I know he hasn’t.
But yet if he doesn’t text me in the evening, or email me during the day… I start feeling that he doesn’t like me anymore, or that I don’t matter enough to him.
And I know that is completely messed up.
But I don’t know how to make myself not feel this way. This insecure.
Yesterday we spent the whole day driving around putting up and taking down race signs. We had a lovely picnic lunch. He literally brought me to a fit of giggles as he was driving – unintentionally (you had to see it to get it).
Back at his place, we cleaned up, sat on a couch cuddling all night. Then went to bed and did a lot more than cuddling. Too raunchy to be considered cuddling.
And then after raunchy-time, we cuddled. For hours, talking about and listening to music. And comparing heights of celebrities and watching music videos on YouTube.
Until about two in the morning.
And then in the morning once again we cuddled and talked for hours before we actually got out of bed. Talked about heavy subjects too – the death of his parents, the death of my father, my mother’s illness, his misspent youth, my innocent one.
As I left his house, there was a hug and a kiss goodbye.
So, what the fuck am I feeling insecure about?
Is it that deep down I don’t think I’m worthy, and that he’s going to wake up soon and look at me and wonder ‘wtf am I doing with her’?
I even mentioned something to him on Saturday night. After a lull in conversation (and we were in the blissful post-coital phase), I said to him, “I just want you to know that I don’t sleep around. You haven’t really dated much, and I don’t want you to feel like you are settling. In a month, or however long from now, I don’t want you to regret that you picked the first seat you saw at the movies, and didn’t try a few others first to see if the view was better.”
Well, it was something to that effect anyway.
He was quiet for a minute and I thought I had blown it somehow. But then he said, “wow. I hadn’t thought about that. I haven’t even…” big pause. “That’s kind of you to say, but… I’m happy, right where I am.”
Or something like that. My heart was beating so loud and the blood was pounding in my ears. I was really afraid that he would say that I was right, and he maybe should date a little more.
I mean, we haven’t talked about exclusivity, or defined anything, but I’m pretty sure we’re “together”. In fact, it was kind of a jolt to receive emails from him, official ones regarding our race work, with our names together, “Mr. M & Anonymous”.
I mean, I met his roommate last week as he was there when I arrived. I did meet his friend who was organizing the volunteers for the event on Saturday, but that’s as far as it’s gone. Has he mentioned me to his family? To his kids?
We’re not even Facebook friends, and I am not sure we will be. He does have a Facebook profile, and he showed me some of the stuff on his feeds, but he’s not a Facebook Fanatic. We actually discussed how we both dislike they way some people either over-share on social media or how some people use it like a crutch to seek out and receive attention.
I love this quote from the movie Easy A, which pretty much sums it up:
I don’t know what your generation’s fascination is with documenting your every thought… but I can assure you, they’re not all diamonds. “Roman is having an OK day, and bought a Coke Zero at the gas station. Raise the roof.” Who gives a rat’s ass?
He got a Coke Zero. AGAIN. [Sarcasm] Ah, that Roman. Incorrigible
I really do believe that. My roommate over-shares. My sister-in-law overshares. But my sister-in-law has pretty much fallen down the well of Facebook and will never emerge. She has almost completely shut herself from the real world and instead finds solace from people she has never met in real life, but who offer her unwavering support.
*Rolling my eyes*
But I digress.
So during our social media discussions, there was no ‘oh I should friend you on Facebook’. We had discussed the whole ‘relationship status’ part of social media, and I agree with him that it’s not necessary to change your relationship status on the site. Those true friends will know if you are married, single, divorced or, my personal pet-peeve, “it’s complicated”. (Talk about over-sharing! This status is just a screaming cry for attention.)
When I dated my ex, I never changed my status to ‘in a relationship’. I’m not sure that what we were was considered a ‘relationship’. No one knew about him. So I felt like his dirty little secret.
And I am trying to not go there again. To not make labels be an issue. What is it I am seeking, really? Acceptance? Acceptance into the world of ‘normal’ people who live their lives with another person? Or Validation? To validate my self-worth, no matter how wrong it may seem? To say, ‘hey world. Someone wants to be with me. Someone has chosen me.”
Or is it just that I want to belong? To belong to someone; to be a unit. Part of a team. To know that someone out there is looking out for me, and that I am looking out for him. To help him when he needs help; and to know that he’ll come by and help me move a sofa if I need to. Someone to cook a nice meal for; someone to cuddle up on the couch with after the dishes are done.
Yeah. That’s what I want.
And I might have it. Finally. If I don’t blow it with the insecurities and bullshit.
So, day by day, moment by moment. Breathe.
Six hours without contact does NOT mean he doesn’t care. Or isn’t thinking about me.
He has a life. I have a life. I am not the centre of his life.
This is what I need to keep telling myself. What I am going to keep telling myself.
Because if it’s one thing I can say about myself, it’s that I learn from past mistakes. I can see what I am doing wrong and maybe even try to change my behaviour or my reaction to the situation before it becomes an issue.
It’s called growth. And I like to think I am a big enough person to realize I am in no way perfect, and that I can change what needs to change.
And this? This crappy need to be feel always involved, always on the top of someone’s mind? Needs to change.
And I will change it. Starting now.