Well I did it.
I survived another week.
It’s Friday and I don’t know if Mr. R. is expecting visitors this weekend or not. He hasn’t mentioned it yet, but I am sure he will tomorrow.
I did fairly well with my emotions during the week; but then again I normally do, just because during the week we keep up this act of being in a relationship. He tells me everything he eats, what he does. Sends me photos of his cottage and his garden.
So no wonder I’m fucking confused.
But today is a rough day for another reason. Today… I filed for divorce.
I’ve been separated for four years so it’s long overdue. It’s not necessarily a painful thing given we’ve both moved on with our lives.
It’s time to make it official.
But it’s still an emotional time for me. I feel vulnerable.
It’s made me wonder about whether or not the reason I am still single isn’t that I keep picking the wrong men… but that its me.
That I am the reason I am still single.
And then I think about being out there again, trying to find someone… trying to date.
And it kills me knowing that I met a man who is such a great match… only we can’t be together.
And the reason we can’t be together is that… he doesn’t want me enough.
That’s really it. He just… doesn’t want me enough. What I can offer him isn’t good enough. The same as it was for my ex-husband, and all the other men I dated.
I just… wasn’t good enough.
Will I ever be?