I almost made it two whole days without a breakdown.
I managed to keep my conversations with Mr. R light and somewhat impersonal.
Until he sent me a photo of the inside of his fridge.
I know right? But that’s the kind of shit we talk about. Everything and nothing.
And what do I see on the top shelf?
Two bottles of Coors Light beer.
Which I know damn well are not his – he would never be caught dead drinking that.
So who’s beer would that be?
So I lost it. I once again broke down realizing that he doesn’t want me.
Another hour-long crying session began. More tears and frustration.
And yes, sometimes now, mixed signals.
Case in point: I am filing for divorce from the man I married 8 years ago. We have been separated for 4 years now. It’s time to make it official since I know he won’t do it.
So on Friday I go in and start the paperwork.
Mr. R jokingly asked if I was going to have a divorce party.
He then asked if he could be the only one invited. And then wrote, ‘pick me, pick me, pick me.”
I wrote back to him, ‘hey, that’s my line’.
He responded LOL.
But no, it’s not LOL. It’s not any L at all. It’s fucking painful. That is a mixed signal and I don’t know what to do or how to feel about it.
It feels great that he wants me to pick him, and then I crash immediately when I realize it’s actually the other way around and I realize that…. I won’t win.
It’s not my choice. And there is nothing I can do about it.