So Close

I almost made it two whole days without a breakdown.

Almost.

I managed to keep my conversations with Mr. R light and somewhat impersonal.

Until he sent me a photo of the inside of his fridge.

I know right? But that’s the kind of shit we talk about. Everything and nothing.

And what do I see on the top shelf?

Two bottles of Coors Light beer.

Which I know damn well are not his – he would never be caught dead drinking that.

So who’s beer would that be?

Yeah.

So I lost it. I once again broke down realizing that he doesn’t want me.

Another hour-long crying session began. More tears and frustration.

And yes, sometimes now, mixed signals.

Case in point: I am filing for divorce from the man I married 8 years ago. We have been separated for 4 years now. It’s time to make it official since I know he won’t do it.

So on Friday I go in and start the paperwork.

Mr. R jokingly asked if I was going to have a divorce party.

He then asked if he could be the only one invited. And then wrote, ‘pick me, pick me, pick me.”

I wrote back to him, ‘hey, that’s my line’.

He responded LOL.

But no, it’s not LOL. It’s not any L at all. It’s fucking painful. That is a mixed signal and I don’t know what to do or how to feel about it.

It feels great that he wants me to pick him, and then I crash immediately when I realize it’s actually the other way around and I realize that…. I won’t win.

It’s not my choice. And there is nothing I can do about it.

 

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