Well for a Monday, today was a better day.
I haven’t cried yet.
That in itself is a huge thing.
I’m still chatting with Mr. R. He still sends me his xoxoxoxox all the time. And I do return his hugs and kisses, because to not do so would be rude.
I’m not going to push him to come see me. If he can’t get away, then that’s fine – maybe even better. Maybe this way, I can just… fade away.
I’m trying to keep busy as someone suggested but that is easier said than done. The issue isn’t just that Mr. R doesn’t want me… it’s that I am lonely.
I have few friends; even fewer close friends.
And so dealing with this situation on my own has been difficult, to say the least.
And yes I know some of you might be reading this and thinking that I am nothing but a huge whiner for complaining about such little things when there are bigger problems in the world.
But this is my little piece of the world. And so I complain. And whine. And cry.
My thoughts are turning to summer plans. I have a solo beach vacation booked for the first week in August and I am unsure whether to go or to cancel.
When I first booked it I thought perhaps someone would join me on the trip. It’s just a few days….
But then I’ve come to realize that really isn’t going to happen. That Mr. R is not, in fact, going to ‘pick me’ (see earlier post).
I’m single. And I think that I might be single for a really long time to come. And if I want to travel and do things… then, well, I am going to have to do them on my own.
Even though for myself, half the fun of traveling is sharing the experience with someone. I mean, to finish the day with a nice meal, talking about everything you saw that day.
Isn’t that why people travel?
I need to stop hoping and daydreaming and wishing and thinking that things will change. I can’t change them; I am not in charge of this situation. No matter how much I want it… I can’t have it. No amount of money or work or will or determination will change that.
I just finished reading a book in which the main character is a recovering alcoholic. It had a lot of AA stuff in there, but AA was not the focus of the book. It’s a chick-lit book.
But at some moments the book really got to me. A few points hit home. That I have to ‘accept the things I cannot change’.
No matter how much I want to, I cannot change the situation.
I have to accept that this is the way things will be.
Easier said than done.
Day by day, right? Isn’t that what they say?
So I will take today. And then tomorrow. And then the next day.
And hopefully it will get better.