It’s Saturday night and I sit at home watching season 3 of OITNB.
I am dying to talk to someone about the situation with Mr. R but there is no one.
I have a roommate as you know. And we are friends.
But not that close.
Sure, we talk about issues with our mothers, and what’s going with our friends, but that’s the limit to our closeness.
I don’t talk to her about my personal life – who I may or may not be dating.
So given what’s been going on in my life lately I am dying to talk to someone to help me work though what I am feeling.
I don’t know what I am feeling.
I feeling happy, insecure, confused, annoyed.
And I know that most of those are not valid feelings right now.
Those of you following along at home know that before this recent trip to my city, Mr. R maintained that he was ‘currently unavailable’. That our ‘timing was not quite right’.
Is our timing right now?
I don’t know.
I haven’t asked if he ended things with the person he was seeing.
I do know that today he is mostly unavailable. He is at his cottage and told me he was having company.
I am really hoping that company is his parents who have a cottage nearby. I really hope that it’s not anyone else.
I am ashamed to say that I am jealous.
I know I shouldn’t be. He made no promises to me; I made no demands.
But I am a woman; I am insecure.
I realize that we just began this…. thing … between us. It’s still new. Still fragile.
It scares me.
I see the potential. For the first time in a long, long time, I see that this could be something good.
The distance thing? Well, that can be worked out. If both parties want to make an effort.
Is he interested in making an effort? I don’t know. I for one would have loved to see him again this weekend. But I also realize that its short notice and that he may already have had plans.
Which obviously is the case.
He is close with his parents. He told me this – he warned me of this, actually, as we were on the phone yesterday. “I’m really close with my parents, just to warn you. Very close. So be prepared.”
Prepared for what? Doesn’t that mean that he intends me to meet his parents and be part of his life that way?
I need to learn to slow down and not be so impatient. If indeed he has ended things and is now single, then he would need to talk with his parents and let them know.
He asked me via messenger if I would ‘be his lover’.
Is that a roundabout way of asking me to date him?
Or is it his way of keeping me on the side when he comes to town once in a while?
I know I need to talk to him about it. I need clarification.
Why is it so hard for me to talk about things?
He’s incredibly complimentary. He actually told me that the sex we had this week was the best in his life.
We’re good friends. At least, I think we are. We started talking in February off and on and have been pretty much inseparable since May.
While in town this week, we walked around arm-in-arm. Always touching.
And I admit it felt weird.
Not the touching – that felt really nice and comfortable.
And if he was my boyfriend, it would be completely natural. To hold hands. To cuddle. To walk around town arm-in-arm.
If he was my boyfriend.
But we have no definitions.
Which I need. And want to ask for. But would that make me feel like I’m back in high school?
Would someone pass up a potential relationship with someone they claim to have had the best sex of their life with?
Is that all we’ll be?
Fuck. I need a support group.