I just had a realization.
A scary realization.
I was texting with my BFF/BIL about the situation with Mr. R.
He suggested I let things go for a bit, to not focus so much of my time and attention on him. Keep chatting with him if I want, but he told me I need to get out and meet other people.
Put myself out there.
Sign up for dating sites.
Just… Be available.
But the thing is?
I don’t want to.
The more I talk with Mr. R. the more I like him.
We are extremely compatible in almost every way. We talk on the phone or online for hours, about everything and nothing. We have so many things in common.
And for the first time in a long time, I really feel like I can be myself. I don’t have to pretend to like South Park to get him to pay attention to me. I don’t have to be up on all the latest trivia and gossip.
I just have to be me. Talking about cooking and nature and photography and the outdoors and travel and even current affairs.
Yet as you know (for those of you following along at home), even after all this talking, Mr. R still remains unavailable to me.
And so when talking with my brother-in-law last night I actually said the words:
“I just want him. I want him to pick me, and… ”
Yes. I thankfully stopped myself because he would not have known what the reference really meant. But I had a flash of Meredith and her declaration.
Pick me. Choose me. Love me.
Is that really too much to ask?