Welcome Home

So I am back from a week in the sun with my brother.

And no one is more surprised than I at how well the trip went.

I know, right?

We actually got along. He was not the asshole I thought he was.

Well, maybe he still is – but with me, he was fine.

The trip was great. It was hot, hot, hot and sunny. I read. I relaxed.

I thought a lot (more than I should have) about Mr. R.

I saw Mr. R the day before the trip when I traveled to his town to fly out of that airport as opposed to mine.

As soon as I checked into the hotel he was on his way to see me.

He seemed incredibly anxious to get there. We chatted all morning online before he finally arrived at 3 pm.

I was a little nervous about seeing him, but that disappeared as soon as we started chatting; it was as if we had known each other for years.

We had a few drinks in the hotel and talked. After a couple of hours he suggested we go out for a bit, so he drove us to a charming village about 20 minutes from the hotel. Near the water, we walked around the shore and talked, and talked, and talked.

We walked for another couple of hours, discussing everything and anything.

You remember when you first meet someone how you can just talk and talk? Yep, that’s how it was.

A little teasing, a little flirting.

Okay, a lot of flirting.

And then we got hungry so he drove us to this dive bar for dinner. It was good food, loud, noisy atmosphere.

Where we ate and talked… and talked and ate.

At one point we were squished together in line waiting to order our food, and he put his hands on my waist, kind if to keep me from getting in the way of the waitress who was running in and out with orders.

I’m afraid to say how much I liked feeling the pressure of his hands on my waist.

It’s stupid, I know. I’m 45 years old but I felt like a teenager.

I still do.

We talked all through dinner, then after, I had to phone my mother to touch base with her since I was leaving for a week and wouldn’t talk to her.

Mr. R walked beside me as I talked on the phone with my mom and listened to her talk about how she spotted an ad for an apartment in the local paper and wanted to go see it.

I know. I couldn’t believe it either.

So as I walked and talked with my mother, Mr. R just walked beside me, listening.

After I said goodbye he turned and said to me, ‘you inspire me’.

No one has EVER said that to me before.

When I asked why, he went on to say that he could not believe how patient I was with her; how I didn’t get frustrated and in fact tried to reason with her about why moving from the retirement residence was a bad idea.

We chatted a bit more about it on the drive back to my hotel; I was growing increasingly comfortable with him in the car – it was like we drove together all the time.

Back at the hotel I invited him in for another drink. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen later, but I wasn’t ready for the evening to end.

We went upstairs and had another drink. And we talked.

And laughed, and talked some more.

Until finally at 11 pm he left, knowing I had a very early flight and had to be awake at 4 am.

He kissed my cheek and gave me a hug and we said goodbye.

And he was texting me again from the parking lot and for the entire drive back to his place.

He reminded me that ‘our timing is not quite right’, but also kept saying how he could not believe how quickly the time passed when we were together. He also asked if I would spend some time with him when he comes to do training in my town starting June 10. He wants to see me on both nights when he is in town, also meeting with some mutual friends.

I of course, agreed.

He didn’t deny that we have a strong attraction, and that it would have been really easy to step over the bounds he set for himself. Especially after I gave him a mind-blowing neck massage just before he left.

He told me it wasn’t that he didn’t ‘want to cross the line’, but more that he wanted to show me that ‘there are still some good guys out there’.

I understand he is casually seeing someone. He hasn’t hidden it from me, although he has only casually mentioned it once or twice.

What I don’t understand is how he has time for her- to see her or to talk with her. We are ALWAYS talking through Facebook. For the last month especially, since he was in Vegas, we have been talking all day and all evening, even when he was up north for work. And when I was in Florida, we still talked a lot – thank God for wi-fi.

We flirt a lot, and yes, there is some talk that I think does step over the line, but today, as I was writing this post, was the first glimmer of hope. While we were chatting he said, “You’re going to have to be really careful when I’m single you know that”.

WHEN I AM SINGLE.

That means he plans to be, right?

Not IF.

When.

That’s a good sign, isn’t it?

I talked things over with my GBF – Gay Best Friend (he isn’t Gay but it’s how we have to describe our friendship), and he does agree that Mr. R is into me.

No doubt.

But the hesitancy is worrisome, and I agree.

But I have no idea what is going on in that part of his life. I haven’t asked. All I did ask, after he left the hotel on Saturday, was that if he decides that all we are going to be is just friends, that he tell me sooner rather than later so that I don’t get hurt.

He hasn’t led me on, it’s that I lead myself on.

I let myself imagine scenarios and situations that will likely never happen.

And I have no one to blame but myself for the disappointment when it doesn’t happen.

I need to exercise patience, which has never been my strong suit.

I’m meeting one of our mutual friends for dinner tonight or tomorrow. While it is very high school, I am hoping she can put some light on the situation for me.

I need all the help I can get.

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