One is the Loneliest Number

So I did it. I took myself off the online dating site. I just wasn’t ready to jump back into the ‘sea’ yet.

Besides, it seems like a lot of those fish are the same ones I saw when I was Fishing two years ago. Which kind of scares me.

Are they, like me, back again? Or, are they still there, trolling the ocean, looking for their Fish?

Whatever the reason, I just had to remove my profile.

And that sucks.

The thought of dating someone new scares me – there, I said it. I realized lately that I have two big issues: 1) I have a huge lack of self-esteem (which jumped into overdrive when almost every man I’ve been with cheated on me); and 2) I am a serial monogamist. I haven’t really ever ‘dated’ before. I’ve gone out with men, but then it turned into steady relationships. Some might say that’s a good thing, but I don’t think it is. I don’t really know how to date.

I mean, I know the basics – boy and girl meet, boy and girl talk, boy and girl say goodnight… but how do they meet in the first place? How do they get to the point of coffee or drinks? Especially with online dating. How long do you wait before meeting someone in person? Does it matter? Sooner the better, or slow and steady? I just feel so out of my league. Some of the men online seem nice and cute enough, but then two thoughts run through my head: 1) if they are so nice why are they still single; and 2) they are cute enough so what would they want with me? (Zero self-esteem, I told you!)

How does anyone meet new people? Through work is a big no-no in my books. Bars? Do people actually meet at bars? Or are bars just for ‘hooking up’? (And let’s not even go there, okay?) It doesn’t help that my friends have either been single for long time – with most not ever having had a relationship, or they are married. They tell me to go slow, to not rush into anything. Fine, I hear what they are saying. I do. But why shouldn’t I rush into things? So I don’t get hurt more than I already am? Should I sit in my condo night after night not seeing anyone or doing anything, just to protect myself from getting hurt? How is that helping anything?

I love movies. I love to quote movies. Often. Sometimes – usually –  badly. Sometimes inappropriately. French Kiss, one of my favourite movies has some good dialogue, so I’m going to share what I think is a good quote:

I realized that I’ve spent most of my adult life trying to protect myself from exactly this situation, and you can’t do it. There’s no home safe enough, no relationship secure enough. You’re setting yourself up for an even bigger fall and having an incredibly boring time in the process.

That’s kind of how I feel right now. If I don’t date, if I don’t put myself out there… then I don’t get hurt or rejected again. If I don’t date, if I don’t put myself out there… then I sit at home by myself having an incredibly boring time. Which is the lesser of two evils? Getting hurt again or being sad and alone?

I’m tired of being sad and alone.

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