I’ve been having a rough go of it for these past few months, which is one of the reasons why I began blogging again. I really think that by writing out my issues and how I feel, it helps me see things in a different way. And it helps me think better.
I recently broke up with someone I had been dating for over two years. He has issues, I have issues, and in the end I realized that we were really just good friends, and nothing more. In fact, the reality of the situation is that all that really changed was a label. We still text, we still email.
I posted my profile on a popular dating site, but I am just not feeling it. I met the last four men I had relationships with by using an online dating site.
Why does it feel like the same people I saw online two years ago are still there?
I think tonight I might hide my profile. I realized when I nice-enough guy asked to meet for a drink – and I made the ‘too busy’ excuse – that I am just not ready yet.
I’ve been chatting online with a friend-of-a-friend, but that’s all it’s been – chatting. He lives about two hours from me, and has a cottage about 90 minutes away from there, so it’s not like he’s around the corner.
And that kind of appeals, in a weird way.
I don’t think I am real relationship material. I think my past experience with relationships and living with men has really broken me. I’ve become too strict. Too regimented. Too set in my own ways.
After all, why should I always be the one to compromise?
I know that in relationships you have to compromise. I know that. He puts the toilet seat down, you thank him and remember to put your tampon wrappers in a different garbage so he doesn’t see it.
But lately, I’ve totally lost my mojo. I spend so much time alone – too much time alone. And I know it’s me. All I have to do is to get up and go – go see the movie I want; go hear the band I want. Just GO.
But I can’t. I can’t seem to move off the couch. When my friends text with last-minute dinner invites, my first thought is to say no. But I am trying to say yes. I am saying yes.
But I can’t quite say yes to meeting someone on a blind date. So for now, I will say goodbye to the one guy I’ve been chatting with (who never responded to my last message so that in itself might be a goodbye), and will turn off my profile.
I need to figure out how to be happy with me before I can be happy with someone else. Historically, it usually takes me about 3 months after a breakup to be ready to date someone new.
So I guess I’ve still got two more months to go.